ToothpickBlog

Sa Likod ng Aking Unan

2012-03-04T09:30:00.000-08:00

Lumuha akong marahan
Sa likod ng aking unan
Isang babae ang laman
Nitong aking isipan.

Isang babaeng nagmahal
Isang babaeng iniwan
Isang babaeng nagkamali't
Ako ang sinandalan.

Hindi tinig ko ang dinig
Sa tuwing siya ay kausap
Ibang lalake ang hangad
At s'yang pinapangarap

Isang lalaking minahal
Isang lalaking nang-iwan
Isang lalaking ininugan
Ng kanyang santinakpan

Mag-alay man ng awitin
Para sa'king sinisinta
Isang awiting susupil
Sa kanyang nadarama

Isang awiting aantig
Magwawaksi sa dalita
Ay 'di rin niya maririnig
Hindi rin niya alintana

Akong umasang mapansin
Ngayon siyang tumatangis
Isang batang nalulunod
Sa luha, uhog at pawis

Isang batang nagmamahal
Isang batang iniwanan
Isang batang lumuluha
Sa likod ng kanyang unan

Marriage: Procreation and Fidelity

2012-01-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

“What is there that comes from marrying them? Nothing! They are two, they remain two, they die two.” - Archbishop Oscar Cruz, CBCP

This statement was said by Archbishop Cruz in an interview for GMA News. Apparently, UP Dilnet blocks Youtube so I would just have to hope to God he doesn't block this link. I searched GMA News for the artcile but the link could not be retrieved. Maybe it was removed.

The article:
http://urbanmeter.weebly.com/36/post/2012/01/infertile-people-cant-marry-says-catholic-church.html

The link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=JXs7Fk8RgME

I only have these points I want to consider:

1.) On the correctness of the statement:

The statement may be right for those who side with Archbishop Cruz, because what the correctness of an opinion is always relative. However, it is imprudent and impolite for a priest, even of the lowest order, to air his personal opinion on matters. For whatever a priest says, even if he himself would say it is an opinion, people may and will interpret as doctrine.

2.) On the issue the statement pertains to:

To say that barren and sterile people should not marry is insensitive. Infertile people didn't choose to be infertile. It is like saying that mentally challenged people should not go to school because they can't learn. It disregards the capacity of people to make the most of what they have.

It also confusing to think about, that infertile people should not marry. Prior statements of the Church (or at least, the CBCP) says that only married people are allowed to have sex. If you do not know you were infertile until the night of your marriage because you have not engaged in premarital sex, does this mean your marriage is invalid? Of course there are other ways of finding it out for yourself, but what if you have not considered this since you married for love and having kids is practically secondary?

Also, if I knew I was sterile and should not marry, then am I automatically prohibited to have sex? Does this mean I have to become celibate? Are sterile people the chosen people of God to become priests and nuns?

3.) On the statement being taken out of context and its inconsistencies with the Catholic Church's doctrine:

Even if the statement was taken out of context since Archbishop Cruz was talking about homosexuals, it still gives believers and non-believers alike a different view of marriage, that its only end is procreation and marriages that can't produce children are inferior to ones that can. Again, it is insensitive to people who are already together but cannot produce an offspring.

According to St. Thomas Aquinas, marriage has two ends: a primary end (procreation) and a secondary end (fidelity), not to be put in a hierarchy since both complement each other (someone in the comments thread of the article pointed this out). Even if the married couple cannot procreate, they still are very much in line with the end of fidelity. So why hassle them?

Canon 1084, section 2 of their doctrine also says, "Sterility neither prohibits nor nullifies marriage, without prejudice to the prescript of Canon 1098"

And if the Bible still counts as their doctrine, Genesis 2:22-24 says, "The LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." So marriage's primary purpose is for man and woman to be together, and not just procreation.

4.) On the statement being a statement of the Catholic Church:

I have said above that the statement on its own goes against the Catholic doctrine and it should also be said that the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines does not represent all the members of the Catholic Church. Only their priests here in the Philippines. It has been so with the Reproductive Health Bill issue too. People should not blame the Church's members for the statements of their leaders as if their leaders consulted with them before going on interviews.

Conclusion:

Archbishop Cruz may think his opinion to be apt, for it is his own opinion. But he must be clear on the fact the it is just opinion. So it's either Archbishop Cruz admits it was his own view of the subject or he could just blame the people who "took him out of context" and go on ranting about society without giving a damn about what other people think.

Sure, people will defend him. People who share his view and people who share his belief. But if God calls the Church to witness to all people, believers and non-believers alike, statements such as this, taken out of context or not, can hinder other people from eventually understanding why Catholics or Christians do the things they do.

It is not religion or beliefs that cause people to divided against each other, it is the imposition of one belief over others that offends people and causes them to retaliate. The Bible tells Christians to be like light and salt to the world, especially to non-believers. But it also said that the tongue is a restless evil so Christians should be careful with our words. If the Church (not just the Catholic Church but the whole body of believers) must engage themselves a discourse guided with respect with one another's beliefs. The only way people can understand their faith is if they refrain from being offensive without sacrificing truthfulness. They should remember that they are also called to be peacemakers.

Ironic that this talk is directed to a priest.

(Note: I am a layman. I do not intend to preach but I admit I have my biases. Please comment if you found anything offensive. I will apologize for the offense, but will not hesitate to defend.)

Walang Libog, Walang Tuwa

2012-01-09T19:05:00.000-08:00

'Nung minsang tamarin ako sa aking pamumuhay
Ay nagpasya akong magpakataong-bahay
Magpahinga mula tradahong labis nang nakakangalay
Manatili sa tahanan, magpalipas ng lumbay

Nakinig ako ng radyo't naghanap ng musika
Ngunit nahanap kwentong libog at liham-pagdadrama
Nanuod ako ng TV, nagpalipat-lipat ng palabas
Pero puro panloob at kabastusan ang bulalas

Binuksan ko ang pahayaga't xerex ang natunghayan
Katabi ng mga balitang tungkol sa gahasaan
Sa pagkabulabog ko'y nagtungo na lang sa palaruan
Pero wala nang mga bata, lahat ay nasa dotahan

Nawala na ang mga bakas ng aking pagkabata
Lalo't puro kababuyan na ang aking nakikita
Suso't puki sa paligid ay hindi na kakatwa
Bahagi na nitong lipunang labis na minasama

Sadyang kay hirap isara ng mga matang naambunan
Ng pinamamalas ng madlang salimuot at kababuyan
O bakit ba ang tao, lumiligaya ang laman
Sa t'wing makakamalas ng puro kabastusan

Oras, kung maari'y tumakbo kang paatras
Patungo sa nakaraan, ikaw ay kumaripas
Iparanas mong muli, mga araw na lumipas
At sa pagkakataong ito, 'wag hayaang magwakas

Ang Batibot, Ultraman, Mojacko't Sineskwela
At mga pelikulang pwedeng pagsaluhan ng pamilya
Mga awitin sa radyong may silbi't may kwenta
At mga dramang hindi pinapakyaw ng patungan sa kama

Lipunan ay tigang, panaho'y nahihibang
Ibalik mo ako sa noong ako'y bata pa lamang
'Nung diwa't kalul'wa'y hindi pa 'sing-windang
At inosenteng isipa'y 'di pa napapaslang

Sumasabog sa gunita ang mga araw na natapos
At sa sumpa ng pandidiri ay mistulang nakagapos
Ang isipan at puso, nagsisihikahos
Sa saya ng simpleng buhay, inulila nang lubos

Kung sakaling malunasan itong pagdaramdam
Ng pagbalik sa panahon ng aking kapaslitan
Tapusin nang maaga itong buhay na hiram
Dahil bangungot ng pagtanda'y 'di ko na inaasam

College is a Sad, Sad Place

2012-01-07T00:20:00.001-08:00

It turns out like everyone else, I have alife. I waited so long for it to finally happen and now its here. And to behonest, I have no idea what to do with it.

You know what they say about being carefulabout what you wish for because you just might get it and then some you don’twant? I do. I got what I wanted all my years of being a child. I got in theUniversity of the Philippines. I’ve been there for the last nine months and I can say that I feelthat I truly belong here. I really can say it, but I won’t because I don’treally feel that way.

Don’t believe me when I say it’s not whatmost people assume it to be. It is. It is a place where liberated people goabout questioning authorities and expressing their thoughts openly. It is wherepeople engage in discussions that are of significance and importance. It iswhere people who have much to say talk and where people who have much toaccomplish move. It is exactly what I dreamed it to be. And that seems to be myproblem.

Truth be told, I am lost. I am lost insidethis maze different scopes and perspectives and theories and beliefs andconspiracies. I am caught in the middle of opposing views in which I am forcedto either agree or disagree, or else I’d be labelled a fence-sitter. I amtrapped inside this place where everything has deeper, more complicatedmeanings than what they appear to be. Here, most people say everything isrelative. What I believed to be “good” may not really be so and I was justbrought up to believe in illusions set up by a society that manipulateseverything and everyone in it.

Maybe it’s because I’m in the College of Social Sciences and Philosophy. Perhaps people from engineering and architecturecould care less about the things I am supposed to immerse myself in to. Luckythem, they are being trained to do things that can be seen, can be touched andpraised by everyone. Once they’re done studying, they go off building anddesigning bridges and towers to which their parents could point and say, “Myson/daughter did that.” Kids like me deal with abstract things such as modelsand theories in society and politics. My parents don’t even ask me about them.

Screw this.

Exupery said what is essential is invisibleto the eye. But people don’t clap their hands for what is essential. They takewhat is essential for granted. They rejoice in what is seen. People wait inline for iPads and movies and theme parks. They don’t wait in line for academicjournals.

That’s why I am having trouble finding outwhat all the fuss I’m getting myself in to is for. I am trained to believe thatI can reform society through observing and gathering facts and drawingconclusions and stuff, but how? Everyday, people go about doing what they wantregardless of its implications on others or on society in general. What use isit to know what problems are there, when you know you can’t solve them on yourown?

It’s hard for someone like me to find his significance in a worldbeing introduced to him by the campus, let alone inside the campus itself. Iponder about what I’m doing and I ask, is it really worth the effort? What ifthings are just what they seem? What if regardless of what I do, I am indeedpowerless to change anything? Am I just to resort to a false sense of pridethat what I’m doing is out of love for my fellowmen and not for personal gain?But then, what use would be that love for my fellowmen of if that doesn’tresult in something tangible? What if I don’t make a difference?

All the more, it is hard to find my ownsense of identity. When I graduated from high school I thought I got it allfigured out. I thought that as some people say, I am “ready for the realworld”. But now, I don’t really know if I’m cut out for what I am trying to bein the University. I feel insignificant and thus, I feel like I can besignificant somewhere else.

Everybody wants to believe that what they dois important. And perhaps I am like everybody. Right now, I can’t really seewhat exactly I am doing, or if I even started doing whatever it is. I want tochange things. I want to make a difference. Some point in my life, I decided Idon’t want my life’s contribution to be a building or a bridge or amathematical formula; I want it to be something everybody needs: a change inthe way things are in society. But now I realize how hard that contribution isto achieve.

But then again, whatever I do, some thingsare too complex to work with. Some theories and ideas are hard to keep up with.Some people are difficult to understand and please. But such is life. We breakdown, we get pissed at people, we become depressed, tired, and lonely. At somepoint, we lose track of what we are trying to achieve. But nothing in thisworld that is worth having comes easy. It would take guts and hearts and bodilyfluids to truly make and do big things. And the bigger the dream a dreamerwants to achieve, the greater effort the dream is expecting from him.

Maybe I’m wasting my time in trying tochange the world, but I guess it turns out that like everyone else, I have alife. I waited so long for it to finally happen and now it’s here. I have noidea what to do with it; I only know I just have one. And maybe it’s about timeI started living it.

Ni Angela Tagapan Balderama

2011-12-17T05:46:00.000-08:00

Sabay ang pagpintig ng ating pusong dal'wa
Lubos akong iningatan habang ako'y humihimbing
Sa maikling panahon na tayo'y iisa
Ang ikaw ay mahagkan, iniingatan kong hiling

Taimtim na hangarin ng mga matang hilaw
Ang ikaw ay masilayan at iyong mahalikan
Mga ngiti kong tinatago na ang dahila'y ikaw
Subalit pa'no na ngayong tayo'y napagkaitan

Bulag akong lumabas mula sa'yong sinapupunan
Tahimik, hindi katulad ng ibang kagaya ko
Hinahabol ang hiningang kay ilap matunghayan
O kay hirap salubungin ng pait nitong mundo

Mama, 'wag mong damdamin itong aking paglisan
Mga oras ng pagmamahal, 'wag ituring na bigo
Ang pag-ibig mo namang nagkaloob ng katauhan
Dala ko hanggang mapadpad sa kung 'san man patungo

Sa panahon ma'y kinapos at 'di tayo nagkasama
Hindi man naranasan na ika'y pasalamatan
Hihintayin kita sa langit na magsisilbi kong kuna
At sa ating pagkikita, ika'y aking hahagkan

Your Arguments are Invalid (Repeat 'til fade)

2011-12-09T22:48:00.001-08:00

Noong unangpanahon, sabi ng mga Griyego sa katauhan ni Aristotle na nagawa ang lipunan sanatural na pangangailangan ng mga tao na makipagkapwa.* At dahil wala namanmasyadong may pakialam, sumang-ayon na lang ‘yung mga kapitbahay niya. Peromatapos ang ilang daang taon, nag-inarte ang mga Ingles at Pranses dahilpakiramdam nila hindi naman ganun. Mas naniniwala silang may lipunan lang kasinagkasundo ang mg tao na gumawa ‘nun para mas gumaan ang mga buhay nila. Angtawag sa paniniwalang iyon ay ang Social Contract Theory. Kaya lang, dahil walanamang naroon nung ginawa ang Social Contract, hindi naman matukoy ng mga taongkumontra kay Aristotle kung bakit kinailangan ng mga taong magkasundo. Kayasila-sila rin hindi magkasundo.

Sabi niThomas Hobbes, kung hindi raw magkakasundo ang tao na gumawa ng lipunan,magiging malungkot, magulo at maikli angmga buhay nila kasi lahat ng tao maangas.** Sabi naman ni John Locke,kahit paano marunong naming magbigayan ang mga tao pero kailangan nilangmagkasundo na gumawa ng mga batas kasi hindi naman lahat kayang ipagtanggol angsarili nila kung biglang may mag-angas.*** Banat naman ni Rousseau,hindi lahat ng tao alam kung anong makabubuti sa kanya, kaya kinailangan nilangmagkasundo para matukoy kung ano nga bang totoong nakabubuti para sa lahat.****

Maging ano pa man ang dahilan, malinaw na naniniwala ang mga taong itona kaya tayo may lipunan ay dahil kinailangan nating magkasundo. Kaya nga langsiyempre, mahirap ‘yung paniwalaan kung kagaya ko, nabubuhay ka sa lipunangpunong-puno ng ‘di pagkaka-unawaan tungkol sa napakaraming bagay. Kaya socialcontract? Social contract kayo d'yan? Bakit, sino ba dito sa Pilipinas angkayang makipagkasundo?

Sa bansa natin, hindi mawawalan ng pagtatalunan ang mga tao. Dapat nabang ipasa ang RH Bill? Dapat bang ibigay sa mga Moro ang lupang sabi nilang sakanila? Dapat bang makuntento na lang ang mga SUCs at ospital sa nakalaangbadyet ng pamahalaan para sa kanila? Dapat bang bigyan ng special treatment siCGMA? Dapat bang magalit sa Korte Suprema ang Pangulo nang ipamigay ang Luisitasa mga magsasaka gayong panay ang distansya niya sa isyung ‘yun nungtumatakbo pa lang siya? Dapat bang umamin si Piolo na bading siya kung kahit nahindi pa siya umaamin ay panay pa rin naman ang pangbubuska sa kanya? Dapat pabang labanan ni Pacquiao si Mayweather? Dapat pa bang kumanta si WillieRevillame?

Mula sa pulitika, relihiyon, sports, hanggang sa pinapanood natingpalabas, mayroon tayong mahahanapan ng diskusyon. Mayroong pagmumulan ngargumento. Ang kataka-taka lang, karamihan sa mga away na nakikita natin sa TVat nababasa sa diyaryo (dahil halos puro kwentong libog na lang angmapapakinggan mo sa radyo), nagaganap at lumalaki sa pagitan ng mga taong ayaw mag-usap.At habang patuloy sa pasaringan at payabangan ang dalawang panig, sa Facebookat Twitter ay lumalaki na nang lumalaki ang problema sa tulong ng mga walangkatapusang gatungan at sawsawan na ginagawa ng mga taong hindi rin naman alamang mga tunay na nagyayari.

Palaging sinasabing magkakaroon ng dayalogo ang mga mambabatas at angCBCP pero hanggang ngayon angilan pa rin sila sa RH Bill. Palaging ipinapalabassi Pangulong Aquino na sinasabon ang Korte Suprema, pero hindi naman silaipinapakitang nagpapalitan ng salita ni Chief Justice Corona. Palagingipinapakita sa TV ang mga estudyanteng nagra-rally, pero wala namangipinapakitang mula sa gobyerno kumausap sa kanila nang parang tao imbis naharangan sila ng barikada bago pa man magsimula. Madalas, imbis na maging bukastayo sa pananaw ng iba para maayos ang problema, masyado tayong abala sapaggawa ng mga harang at pagsasalita nang hindi naman nakikinig. Maspinag-uusapan pa natin ang away kaysa sa problema. Mas pinag-iisipan pa natinang ikakatwiran kaysa sa solusyon.

Bakit? Takotkasi tayong baka mali pala tayo. Sabi nga ni C.S. Lewis, hindi naman tayomag-aaway kung umpisa pa lang nakasundo na tayo kung anong tama at ano angmali.***** Hindi ka magagalit sa isang tao kung ang tama sa kanya e tama rinsa’yo. Walang tao sa isang argumento ang aaming mali ang sinasabi niya, angginagawa niya o ang pinaniniwalaan niya. At kung malalaman man niyang malisiya, mas bihira ang pagkakataong hihingi ng tawad ang tao at tutulong sasolusyon. Dahil sa likas niyang pride, tatahimik na lang siya at hindi namakikialam dahil sa takot na magkamali at mapahiya uli.

Siguro tamaang mga pilosopong Ingles at Pranses. Kailangan mo ng kasunduan para magkaroonng isang lipunan. Pero hindi ibig sabihin 'nun, wala nang away. Hindi momaaalis ang patuloy na tunggalian ng interes sa lipunang binubuo ng bawat isangmay sariling pangangailangang nais bigyang-tugon. Pero para maging produktiboang mga tunggaliang ito, para merong mapala ang lahat, kailangan pa rin ng bawatisang matuto na makipag-usap at makinig nang maayos.

Ayos lang namakipag-argumento. Ayos lang na iparating ang sariling panig. Ayos lang magingkritikal. Pero dapat, kung gaano tayo ka-kritikal sa pananaw ng iba,ganoon rin tayo sa mga sarili nating paninindigan. Maging handa tayong aminingmali tayo kapag napatunayang mali tayo. Pagkatapos, tumulong tayo sa paggawa ngsolusyon. Sa ganitong paraan lang magkakaroon ng unawaan sa loob ng tunggaliansa loob ng kasunduan sa loob ng lipunan. Tama na ang pagpapaka-tama. Panahonnang magpaka-tao.

(Author's note: Siyempre, hindinaman ako eksperto sa Social Contract Theory. Binabasa ko nga notebook ko saSoc Sci 2 habang ginagawa ko ‘yng second paragraph e. Kung may mga tanong kayotungkol sa mga pinagsasabi ko, kumonsulta na lang kayo kay Sir R. C. Molmisa. ‘Wag niyo langsabihing ako may sabi.)

* Politics,Aristotle
** Leviathan,Thomas Hobbes
*** The Second Treatiseof Government, John Locke
**** The SocialContract, Jean Jacques Rosseau
***** MereChristianity, C.S. Lewis

Anak ka ng tinapay: Alay sa mga kabataang breadwinner

2011-12-07T16:39:00.001-08:00

Ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan.

Kung katulad kitang batang lumaki sa ‘Pinas, malamang buryongka na rin sa cliché na linyang ‘yan galing sa tulani Rizal. Walang keynote speech na binigkas ng pulitiko sa graduation ng publichigh school na hindi kasama ang pangungusap na ‘yan. Pasong-paso na kungtutuusin, pero wala pa ring kamatayan. Paano ba naman kasi, bahagi na ‘yan ngkultura ng Pilipino. Kung paano natin iginagalang ang nakatatanda, ‘ganun rinnaman tayo umaasa sa kabataan.

Ayaw mong maniwala? Manood ka ng Wiltime Bigtime. Karaniwan,anak at hindi magulang ang ipinapakitang breadwinner sa pamilya. Kapagmagbibigay siya ng mensahe sa magulang niya, sasabihin niyang malalagpasan dinnila ang mga hinaharap nilang kahirapan. Minsan mangangako pa nga ang batangiaaahon niya sa hirap ang pamilya niya, pag-aaralin ang mga kapatid o di kayatutulong sa mga magulang ‘pag nakatapos sa pag-aaral. Hahanga ka sa tibay ngdebosyon ng ilang mga kabataan sa pagtulong sa kanilang pamilya na para bangsila ang may kaukulang responsibilidad na pagaanin ang buhay ng mga magulang atmga kapatid nila.

Noon pa nga siguroay ganito na ang tingin ng mga kabataang Pilipino sa sarili nila. Kapag isa kanga namang magsasaka, mas marami kang makakatuwang sa pagtatanim at pag-ani ngpalay kung marami kang anak. Hindi mo na kailangang umupa ng gagapas ng palayat magpasahod. Hindi na rin problema ang pagpapakain sa mga supling mo dahilpaggawa nga naman ng pagkain ang pagkakakitaan niyo at hindi naman silamagrereklamo. At kapag matanda ka na, aalagaan ka pa rin ng mga anak mo dahilhindi naman sila mapapalayo. Ang lupa nga namang pinagkukunan nila nghanap-buhay ay tahanan niyo na rin.

Nakakalungkot isipin na kahit iilan na lang sa atin ang mgamagsasaka ay nananatili pa rin ang karamihan sa ganitong pagtingin sa anakbilang katulong sa paghahanap-buhay. At kung dati inaasahan lang ang anak naipagpatuloy ang nasimulan ng magulang, dahil sa hirap ng buhay ay inaasahan nangayon ang anak na iahon ang mga magulang at kanyang mga kapatid mula sakahirapan.

Kung tutuusin, dati ay mas may karapatan ka pang mangarap.Kung magiging duktor ka o abugado ka kasi dati, may maipagmamalakingpropesyonal na anak ang mga magulang mo. Ngayon, mapipilitan kang babaan angpangarap mo dahil mahal magpaaral ng duktor o abugado. Okey na rin kung kahithigh school lang ang natapos mo, at least makakapag-trabaho ka na. At pwede kana agad sumubok mangibang-bansa. Mas ipagmamalaki ka pa nga ng magulang mo kungdomestic helper ka sa abroad kaysa teacher ka sa Pilipinas.

Hindi masamang maging katuwang ng magulang ang anak sapaghahanap-buhay. Gayunpaman, higit pa sa kasangkapan ang mga anak. Hindi silaparang mga manok na panabong na pakakainin mo ngayon para isabak sa patayankinabukasan. Hindi rin sila asong inaalagaan lang para maitali sa bahay.

May karapatan ang bawat batang pumili ng direksyon para sasarili niyang buhay. Kung gusto niyang maging guro, hayaan siyang maging gurokahit mahirap at mababa ang suweldo. Kung gusto niyang maging mananaliksik,hayaan siyang maging mananaliksik kahit hindi siya mapapanood sa TV. Kung gustoniyang maging manunulat, hayaan siyang maging manunulat kahit wala nangnagbabasa. Walang trabahong walang silbi. Naging sell-out na nga lang siguroang mga Pilipino sa paglimita sa ganda ng isang trabaho ayon sa taas ngkikitaing sweldo o kung in demand ba sa ibang bansa.

Ang hindi natin makuha minsan dito sa Pilipinas kaya panayang pintas natin sa mga kabataang iniiwan ang mga magulang sa pagtungtong nilang 18 sa ibang bansa ay hindi naman kasi lahat ng magulang sinusuportahan angmga anak sa nais nilang patunguhan. Minsan, kahit hindi ka sang-ayon sa gustong isang taong mahal mo, kahit takot ka para sa kanya, kailangang respetuhin mopa rin ang pinili niya dahil pinili niya iyon. Kung hindi mabigyang-suporta ngmga magulang ang kanilang mga anak sa kanilang pangarap, ang bigyan sila ngkalayaang makamit ang mga ito labag man sa ating kagustuhan ayipinagpapasalamat na rin.

Higit pa sa pag-asa nitong bayan, pagdating ng araw angkabataan mismo ang magiging bayan. Hindi dapat sila asahang ayusin ang lahat ngpagkakamali ng mga naunang henerasyon habang kabataan pa lamang sila. Naitanongko na dati at itatanong ko uli, kung ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan, sinoang pag-asa ng kabataan? Mahalaga na bigyang-laya at bigyang-tulong ng mganakatatanda ang kabataan sa pag-abot ng kanilang mga mithiin gamit angedukasyon, gaano man katagal o kahirap ang kanilang dadanasin sa pagkamit nito.

Paupo-upo Sa Bakod

2011-11-24T07:05:00.000-08:00

Nakaupo ako sa bakod at sila'y minamasdan

Dalawang panig sa gilid na nagtutunggalian

Ilang beses na rin pala akong pinagsabihan

Na kung 'di ako pipili ay ako ang tatamaan

Matalim ang tingin sa'kin ng magkabilang panig

Mga tinging nagtatanong kung kanino 'ko aanib

Pareho nilang layong marinig ang mga tinig

Ngunit 'tila itong layo'y walang balak makinig

Kay raming sinasabi, ako'y pinapapili

Sila raw ang tama at ang kabila'y mali

Sila raw ang makatwiran at ang kabila'y bingi

Sila raw ang kailangan at ang kabila'y hindi

Sa winiwika nila tila ako ay pinapana

Habang nakaupo sa bakod, sa'king isipa'y tumalima

Bakit naging gan'to kung pareho silang tama?

At ba't ako ang masama kapag pinili ko'y wala

Akong nakaupo sa bakod, tahimik na ginigisa

Kasalanan bang tanungin kung ano na nga bang nagawa

Ng pakikisawsaw ng isa, o pagkukulang sa gawa

Ano na nga bang nabago ng reklamo't ngawa

Dapat lang sigurong tao'y tumayo't manindigan

Ngunit kahit ba kulang o walang mapagpilian?

Hinihintay na may'rong sumagot sa katanungan

Nakaupo ako sa bakod at sila'y minamasdan

Monday

2011-08-29T23:09:00.000-07:00

A Saturday so gloom
A Sunday so dark
Waiting for life again to start

A touch of your hand
Oh, the scent of your skin
Waiting for life again to begin

I break my silence
With a hum of a tune
And six words of patience
I'll be seeing you soon

Call me on Monday
And on Tuesday, think of me
'Till then I'll be waiting..
For you, I'll always be.

Wika, Pagkatuto, Kaplastikan, Atbp.

2011-08-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

Filipino ang itinuro sa akin. Siyempre, wala pa sa isip ko kung anong wika ba ang itinuturo sa akin bago ako pumasok sa eskwela. Dahil bata pa lang ako, ang alam ko lang ay 'pag tinuturuan ako ni Nanay, hindi niya ako tinuturuan mag-Ingles o mag-Filipino, tinuturuan niya akong magsalita, magbasa at magsulat.

Hindi siguro intensiyon ng Nanay ko na magpakilala ng isang partikular na wika: wala naman daw siyang pinipiling wika sa mga librong pinapabasa o pinapakulay niya sa'kin. Kahit sa mga palabas, wala namang problema kung Sineskwela ba o Sesame Street ang pinapanuod ko. Malaya akong nakapagsalita sa kahit anong wika, basta lagi dapat magalang at iwasang magmura. Hindi mo kailangan ng tutor para malaman 'yun.

Inaamin ko, sa eskwelahan ko na nalamang may Ingles pala. Oo, kahit paano marunong na akong magbasa at magbilang sa Ingles, pero hanggang mapunta ako sa paaralan (at siguro kahit hanggang sa paggradweyt ko), wala naman talaga akong pakialam. Wala rin naman sa paaralan ko sa elementarya at hayskul ang nagsasalita na purong Filipino o Ingles lang, kung kaya basta nakakapag-aral ako, natuturuan at natututo, hindi ko na naman ininda kung anong wika ang ginagamit ng mga guro ko sa pagtuturo. Kahit sa pagdarasal at pagpupuri sa Diyos, labas na roon ang paraan ng pagbigkas ng 'Amen".

Inaamin ko rin, umay ako sa Filipino.Nakakaumay naman talaga mag-aral ng balarila sa kahit anong wika e, kahit sa Ingles. Pero 'pag Filipino kasi, ibang uniberso ng umay. Minsan may pagmamayabang kong naiisip, bakit ko pa kailanganing aralin ang tamang paggamit ng "ng" at "nang"? Ang mga tayutay? Bakit sa Noli at El Fili, Filipino ba isinulat ni Rizal? Naisip ko, at marahil mga kaklase ko na rin, kung kaya ko naman kahit walang malalim na pag-aaral, bakit kakailanganin ko pang aralin? Sapat nanaman ang hindi edukadong bersyon para maintindhian ako sa wikang iyon.

Oo na. Inaral ko ang Filipino dahil kailangan ko. Dahil may grado. Kung ayaw mong bumagsak, kung ayaw mong umulit ng isang taon, bakit kakailanganin mo pa ng diwang makabayan para aralin ang isang asignaturang kasing-bigat ng Math, English at Science? Labas na dito ang tanong kung saan mo gagamitin ang natutunan mo (lalo na sa Math!). Sa totoong buhay, kailangan mo lang naman talagang makapasa. 'Yun lang. Para sa akin, at para rin sa maraming mga mag-aaral rin, asignatura ang Filipino, hindi wika.

Nawindang ako kay James Soriano ng mabasa ko ang akda niya. Oo nga. Totoo ngang ganito ang karamihan sa atin, pati na ako. Kung hindi man pang-mahirap ang tingin sa Filipino, hamak na asignatura lang sa paaralan. Nabanas ako. Sa sarili ko dahil tama siya at sinasalamin ko ang isiniwalat niya. Sa kanya dahil kinailangan niya pang mambastos para magpakita ng punto. At sa mga ipokritong "tagapagtanggol ng wika" sa Internet.

Mga ipokrito. Sila ay 'yung hindi naman galit dahil sa panlalait sa wikang Filipino, kundi dahil sila mismo ay inilebel sa mga katulong at drayber. Ano naman ngayon kung sa kalye mo makitang binibigkas ang Filipino? Sino ba ang mga nasa kalye? Pilipino! Ano ba ang mga drayber at kasambahay? Pilipino! At kung hindi binibigkas ang wikang iyon sa mga eksklusibong paaralan, korte at ospital, kasalanan ba 'yun ng batang nakapansin o ng mga bahag ang buntot na hindi makapag-Filipino sa harap ng mga edukado't propesyunal?

Umaasa akong ito ang intensyon ni Soriano: ang maipakita ang katotohanan. Maraming magagalit dahil mas masarap nga namang mabuhay sa tahimik at payapang kainungalingan, pero ang mahalaga, narinig rin natin ang nagsusumigaw na realidad sa wakas. Kung hindi man ito ang intensyon niya at pangmamata lang talaga ang habol niya, hindi pa rin 'nun mabubura ang kinahinatnan ng mga pangyayari: nailahad sa atin kung ano na ba talaga tayo. Pinakita niya ang salamin, marahil para makapanglait, pero nakita natin ang dumi natin sa mukha. Ang tanong: Paano natin buburahin?

Binuhusan tayo ng kumukulong tubig para magising sa katotohanan. Normal lang na magalit. Pero 'wag natin ikailang napabangon tayo nito. At 'wag tayong magmalinis. Aminin natin ang pagkukulang natin sa wika, sa ating kapwa, at sa ating bayan. LALO'T HIGIT, HINDI NAMAN TAYO GIGISINGIN KUNG HINDI TAYO TUTULOG-TULOG.

Image taken from:
http://pinoyweekly.org/new/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/PW-english-speaking-zone.jpg

Kung Ba't Ba Umuulan

2011-07-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

Tumingin sa kalangita't napapikit nang mabasa
Itinikom ang bibig at nilunok ang salita
Itinago ang tanong, sinarili ang hiwaga
Kung ba't ba umuulan, sa tuwing siya'y lumuluha

Nakasilong sa yakap ng bisig na nagmamahal
Sinusulit ang sandaling di rin naman magtatagal
At sa kanyang muling paglisan dagliang iiyak, mga tala
Kung ba't ba umuulan, sa tuwing siya'y lumuluha

Sa pagpatay niya ng gasera sa tabi ng kanyang papag
Mamasdan niya habang napupula ang alab
At mistulang palakpakan ng mga patak na dumaragsa
Kung ba't ba umuulan sa tuwing siya'y lumuluha

Nakatanto ng kalinawan sa kanyang pagkaidlip
Tila bangungot ang paggising kung kay sarap na managinip
Sa moog ng kanyang puso'y nakaipon ng tuwa
Kahit siguro umulan, 'di na siya muling luluha

Dumilat siya't nakangiting binati ang liwanag
Ng araw na sa kanyang bintana'y daliang nabanaag
'Wag muna sanang maparam ang ngiti, pag-asa'y mawala
'Wag muna sanang umulan. 'Wag muna sana siyang lumuha.

Tumingin sa kalangita't napapikit ng mabasa
Itinikom ang bibig nang may ngiti sa mukha
Sa puso ang pagpapasya, sa isip lamang ang hiwaga
At winika sa ulan, "Mag-isa ka ngayong luluha."

His Last Few Words

2010-12-01T06:12:00.000-08:00

"Isn't that sweet? Ain't love grand? This is exactly what I'm talking about. What does that even mean, love? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? It's the cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. I'M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth. Words like love, that don't mean anything. Sorry, I'm sorry, I um, I quit. There's enough bullshit in the world without my help."

- Tom Hansel, 500 Days of Summer

Barely Eirene Anymore

2010-11-25T19:40:00.000-08:00

Come and meet my life
His joy and his distress
Hope, his lovely wife
And fear, his lovely mistress

Haven't you ever heard
About chaos and his friends
They say their images are blurred
But then again it all depends

You'll know them when you're trapped
In your lonesome, just like me
You'd discover once you've snapped
That they're such great sights to see

Then again you got your friends
You always have your company
While all I have is your fake peace
That was your only gift for me

Did you ever love me
Or were you just passing time?
You know I took you seriously
Though you took love for a crime

In my head you're still intact
Just like my brain, which you have toyed with
And in my heart, though torn apart
It still has your name carved on it

Eirene, I wish you good
Though you're better of without me
Once I thought you understood
But I guess like them you'll never see

You've seen my life eye to eye
I never let anyone that close
I miss the warmth you once had given
But surely I miss you the most.

Shark In The Sea

2010-11-20T07:18:00.000-08:00

I've travelled back and forth
Searching for my worth
I took my time
Is it a crime?
I thought you'll be waiting for me

I've reasoned my way out
Of all the pain and doubt
With just my self
Without your help
I thought you'll always be there for me

I know I've done my part
Kept you secret in my heart
I held you dear
Despite the fear
That someday you'll get tired of hiding

Alas, you chose fold
For the feelings you held got old
Tried to keep you from leaving
Tried to salvage the feeling
But lately I got sick of trying

So here's to you, my old hope
It would be hard, but somehow I'll cope
Maybe your just another shark in the sea
Whose trap I fell in, when I thought you fell for me.

Kasi Umasa Ka

2010-11-20T07:09:00.000-08:00

Nakasandal ka sa pag-asang muli siyang darating
Hahawakan ang iyong kamay at sasagipin ka sa dilim
Sasabihing muli ang mga salitang kay sarap sa pandinig
Muling ibabalik ang minsang nadamang kilig

Ngunit tila ba sadyang hindi sinasadyang
Mapipilit mo ang pag-asa ngunit 'di ang pakiramdam
At 'di mo mababago ang kawalan ng pakialam
Kaya kung sino pang umasa, siya pa palang masasaktan

At ngayong iba na ang lagi niyang kasa-kasama
Naiwan ka sa mga sulok ng iyong pagtataka
Tunay ba ang naramdaman mo sa mga dating sabi niya
O sadyang nabulagan ka lang sa hindi mo naman nakita?

Kay tagal mong hinintay ang pagkakataon
Kay rami nang nangyari't alaala na naipon
Ngunit tila 'di na mababalik tulad ng dati ang kahapon
Parang munting mga piraso ng basag na garapon

Siguro'y parang kanin ay napanis ka na lang
Iniwanan na ng lasa dahil 'di niya natakpan
Naglaho sa hamog ang matatamis niyang mga tinuran
At eto ka, umaasang muli silang mariringgan

Iyong masisilayan nang walang pagtataka
Kaya ka nagkakaganyan kasi umasa ka
Isisi na nila sa'yo ang walang hanggang pagdadrama
Hindi mo naman kasalanan kung ginawa ka lang tanga

Wala 2.0 (Trial Version)

2010-11-13T08:55:00.000-08:00

Sabay tayong naglakad ngunit sa hiwalay na daan
Ikaw, papunta sa'yong sulok at ako, sa nakaraan
Nilakad kong muli ang dati nating mga tinahak
Ngunit bumibigay ang kalsada sa aking bawat pagtapak

Tila ayaw akong palingunin upang sakali'y mahabol ka
Nais sanang magbagong-isip ngunit kay layo mo na pala
Walang magawa kundi bumagtas at 'wag na lamang lumingon
Kinandado ko ang tingin sa babalikang kahapon

Napadaan ako sa may ilog at naaninag ko sa tubig
Mukha ng kabataang bigo nanaman sa pag-ibig
'Di magtatagal, makikita ko rin ang tadhana
Tila 'yun din ang sabi ko bago tayo unang magkita

Nang lumakas ang mga alon, ang repleksyon ko'y tinangay
Tinapos ko ang pagmumuni, tumuloy sa paglalakbay
Nakahanap ng tulay, inakyat at tinawid
Ngunit sa bigat ng mga paa ay kamuntik nang mapatid

Napahinto ako sa kalsada't umupo nang sandali
Ang dyip nating minsang sinakyan, biglang napagawi
Pinara ko't inupuan kahit walang dalang pamasahe
Baka sakaling maramdaman kang muli sa'king tabi

Nakatulog akong kay tagal nag hindi ko namalayan
Binaba ako ng tsuper sa dati nating pinagsakyan
Mabilis ang pagpatakbo matapos sandaling tumigil
Baka sa kanyang pagmamadali, kaya nalimutang maningil

Umulan nang kay lakas at sira uli ang aking payong
Sa nakausling yero nakahanap ako ng silong
Naaalala kong minsan na rin tayong binagyo
Pero tila mas ramdam kong ligtas ako sa piling mo

At upang sagarin ang aking pagdaramdam
Binuksan ko ang isa sa mga tinago kong liham
Tinanong ko sa sarili habang lumuluha't nagbabasa
Ano nga bang nangyari't bigla kang dumistansya?

Masisisi mo ba kung kahapon ang aking tinakbuhan?
Nalimutan mo na bang takot ako sa kinabukasan?
Mag-isa nanaman akong binubuhay ang mga sandali
Dahil parang 'di na yata sila mababalik muli

Ngunit bigo pa rin ako sa pagbalik sa nakaraan
Dahil 'di ko na maibalik ang dating naramdaman
Saka ko lang nalamang bumigay man ang mga kalsada
Babalik rin ako sa'yo, kahit sa'n pa mapunta

Sinusukat ko ng tingin ang layo ng nilakad mo
Umaasang paikot ang mga daa't sa dulo'y magtatagpo
Baka sakaling 'pag nagkita, muli kitang mahahagkan
Upang 'di na muling kailangang bumalik sa nakaraan.

Ni Ipis, Kay Paru-Paro

2010-11-11T05:46:00.001-08:00

Pakpak na makulay, paglipad na marahan
Kay sarap mong pagmasdan doon sa may bulaklakan
Ngunit bulong ko sa Diyos, minsan sana'y mabatid
Maalala mo sanang may isa ritong nagmamasid

Maniwala ka sa akin, 'di ikaw ang aking tipo
Kahit batid ko ang paghanga ng marami sa iyo
Nasa mukha ko ba ang tipong labis na nagagalak
Sa samyo ng kabanguhang bigay sa'yo ng bulaklak?

Siguro'y sa'yong paglipad, ako'y lubos na nabighani
Na pantay pa rin ang tayog kahit busog ka sa papuri
At labis pang nalunod sa dinadalang damdamin
Nang sumilip ka sa bintana't ako'y iyong kausapin

Bumibilis ang paghinga't puso'y nagpupumiglas
Para yung ramdam sa pagtakbo mula sa tsinelas
Pilit kong hinahabol, mga salitang di marinig
Dahil hindi maka-get over sa paggalaw na 'yong bibig

Ngunit higit pa sa paghanga sa 'yong minsang paglapit
Ako'y mas lalo pang nahulog sa mga salita mong sinambit
Na kahit pa 'sang tulad kong tambay lagi sa inidoro
Ay tinuturing pa palang kaibigan ng gaya mo

Sa ganda ng mga bagay na nakakalat sa mundo
Di ko alam kung saan mo napagkasya ang tulad ko
Siguro nga ay medyo OA dahil "kaibigan" lang ang wika mo
Ngunit kahit "estranghero" pa 'yan, oks basta galing sa'yo!

Minsan siguro'y nababatid mo, mga bakas ng kalungkutan
Sa aking mga mata sa tuwing ako'y napanghihinaan
Sa mga hampas ng mga walis na sobra kung makapandiri
At tuwing lumilipad, sa mga wagas makatili

Kaya siguro gayon na lamang ang ligaya ko sa'yo
Dahil sa dami ng nanlalait, natitiis mo pa ako
Napalitan na ng ngiti mga simangot sa bibig
Dahil sa'yong mga banat na grabe kung magpakilig

Hindi ko hangad na kanila akong pilit initindihin,
O 'wag pagtangkaang kitlin, o ang subukang mahalin
Hangad ko lang ay makasama ka nang aking maranasan
Paglingap ng diwatang walang pake sa kapintasan

At kung abutin man ng dilim at 'di ka na masilayan
Asahan mong ikaw pa rin ang laman ng isipan
Masaya kong iilagan bawat hampas at palo ng tadhana
Dahil sa isang paru-parong nasisilip sa bintana

Lonely Lover, Lovely Loner

2010-11-11T05:38:00.000-08:00

He's gotten her a heart
Made out of paper
And a hundred million ways
Of giving it to her

But still he keeps his distance,
Avoiding a disaster
Because she's got that look again,
The look that says, "Don't bother."

She's never told anyone
Why she sits below the desks
And why instead of faces,
She makes friends with sillhuoettes

While he's never told a soul
About the way he feels for her
Because he's got that face again,
The one that says, "It doesn't matter."

And so they dance their days away,
Both keeping their distance
Him avoiding a confrontation
With his suicide romance

Her embracing the lonely comforts
Of her solitary laughter
Because they've got that fear again,
The one that says, "My way is better."

She's never seen or heard of him
How could she ever learn to care
When he's too afraid to close in
And just let her know she's there

He's never seen her as she really is
How could he ever learn to show
When she wouldn't let anyone in
Her world as cold as snow

Lonely lover,lovely loner
For a year had shared the same room
But both lived in their own worlds
One of fear and one of gloom

Will he ever step in closer?
Will she take him as a friend?
Lonely lover, lovely loner
Will this story ever end?

My Sembreak Journal: My Insomnia

2010-11-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

Sunday, October 31, 2010

These past few days I’ve been sleeping too early… in the morning.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe my body’s been used to staying up late that I couldn’t really sleep early even if I wanted to. And the worst part is, I couldn’t keep thoughts from entering my head when I lie awake at night.

Sometimes I dream of certain people and wonder how much they’ll change in a number of years. I’m going to be totally honest here, sometimes I even dream of what kind of father or husband I’ll be. In certain times, I imagine myself in the arms of a certain person and try to feel safe within them. I often ask myself questions about life and love and why things are as they are in my life. The funny thing is most of the time, when I answer myself, I couldn’t even understand a word I’m saying.

It’s hard to be trapped inside your own world of thoughts, especially when you get too comfortable that you wouldn’t want to snap out of it. Sometimes we find too much solace in our dreams that we begin to loathe reality. Because in our dreams, it’s okay if things don’t make sense, ‘cause nothing ever seems to hurt or cause sadness. Sometimes it feels better to feel and understand nothing than to have to put up with the disappointments and frustrations real life has to offer.

However, nothing could ever beat the feeling of a dream having to come true in reality, whether it’s the warmth of a person’s arms or an ideal future revealing itself. Because like Josh Peck said in The Wackness, most of the time life sucks, but we take it ‘cause there’s good stuff too. And sometimes, just a piece of that good stuff is all we need to get through the day and sleep soundly at night.

Goodnight. n_n

My Sembreak Journal: The Domingo-Rosario Conspiracy and My List of Things To Do

2010-11-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Now that two of my friends are having their birthdays simultaneously, I couldn’t help but wonder if their parents ever sat down and met together the night they planned to conceive their children. But now that I’ve thought of it, the other one’s probably a year older than the other so it’s pretty much of a coincidence rather than a conspiracy. I don’t actually know why I brought that up. Maybe I’m just bored.

So I attended one of the two celebrations, mostly because I’m afraid that in the other one, they might be drinking alcohol. However I felt like I let myself down because I promised myself that if there would ever be an overnight party, I’d join in ‘cause it’s my last year with my classmates.
Sometimes in my head I make an imaginary list of things I’ll do before a certain deadline. For example, before I graduate, I’d like to:

Start a band.
Be seen on TV.
Join the Top 3.
Fall in love.
Kiss a girl.
Punch a whale.

Most of the time I ask myself what I really would like to do, but then I realize I don’t really know what I want. There are times I tell myself the things I’d want to have, but then I get scared of frustrating myself that I don’t even bother wishing for anything anymore. When I really want something to happen though, in those rare occasions when I’m sure of myself, I pray to God to give me the courage to do something about it.

Maybe I’m not the only one who’s not sure of what they really want in life. Perhaps most of us spend our time wandering the world, searching for something they don’t really know a thing about. But I guess that’s better than just letting life pass by with everyday, without doing anything to make it seem better. Perhaps the greatest disappointment any of us could ever give ourselves is letting something we’d love to have slip away without giving the slightest effort in keeping it.

My Sembreak Journal: The Dumbing Down Of Love

2010-11-02T18:59:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 29, 2010

I’ve been reading my old posts in my blog and I couldn’t help but notice that a majority of my articles are about love. I wondered why I’ve been so submerged in the topic that I had a lot to say about it.

As odd as it may sound, I’m not even sure about anything I wrote about love anymore.

Maybe it was some traumatic heartbreak I’ve experienced that I couldn’t even remember anymore that numbed my senses to that feeling. Or it might be because of growing up that I’ve finally realized that love isn’t really that worthy of my time.

People say getting older changes your perspective. For starters, the phrase “in love” suddenly becomes “in a relationship” and “spending time together” becomes “going on dates”. I don’t really know if that’s the way it is, but something about this dumbing down of love that rubs me the wrong way. Actually, if I were to choose, I would rather have love defined as a naïve childish feeling than an excuse for starting relationships.

Perhaps the reason I had so much to say about love when I was a year or two years younger is that I was, and perhaps still am, both idealistic and sensitive about the subject. It’s not really something to be proud of, but I wouldn’t deny it for anything. Because each of us has his own perspective of love, and though some wouldn’t speak of it as much as others, it’s our unique points of view that make us a real person. And like our imperfect selves, our thoughts and views are entitled to their own flaws and deformities. Especially in subject seemingly naïve but in reality as deep as an abyss, like love.

So maybe some of the things I’ve said before about love are wrong and unacceptable to others, but maybe the wrongs have its own purposes. Because if everything everyone said was right, why would we even bother speaking with each other? Or in my case, writing journals?

My Sembreak Journal: Yes Man

2010-11-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

Thursday, October 28, 2010

These past few days, I’ve been whining about how bored I am without realizing I should be thankful ‘cause when classes resume, I know my schedule’s going to be so full I wouldn’t have time to kill myself. Sadly, the thought occurred to me a wee bit too late because even though I’m still halfway through my vacation, work is now lurking around again.

I went to school so I could help out with my Filipino teacher’s demo teaching, lending a hand to help her finish coloring her visual aids. Afterwards, my Journalism teacher gave me a couple of assignments for the school paper. Suddenly, I realized I still haven’t finished painting my MAPEH project or working on my notebook on Physics. Yay.

Going through all these, I recalled the movie Yes Man, where Jim Carrey was compelled by a pact to say “yes” to everything. I asked myself when the last time I said “no” to anyone was. Then I realized… I don’t really know anymore.

Maybe I was too “in the zone” to care or maybe I just didn’t care anymore that I’ve lost count of the things I’ve done for other people these past months. Now that I’ve thought of it, there even were times when I’ve let the things I was supposed to do suffer because I was busy doing things for other people. Honestly, I don’t regret any of it. But there are times when I wished someone would ask me if he or she could do something for me. I just want to know how it feels… for other people to seek your approval.

I don’t know if these thoughts would really amount to anything; if I would stop doing things for other people or carry on with trying to please everyone. It’s just sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder: if I never did anything for the people who want my help, would they even care to see me?

I know somewhere there are people like me, Yes Men, who do a lot of things to prove themselves to the world around them, even if it means putting their own priorities at stake and occasionally having to go through tough times because of neglecting themselves. Like machines slowly degenerating due to constant use. But somehow I know that the difference between people and machines is that we have hearts, and we can choose to give it our best even though we’re going through the worst.
Gotta go finish my editorial.

My Sembreak Journal: Breakdowns and Letdowns

2010-11-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

So I went to school today and got scolded. I’m not going to let you inside more specific details ‘cause I really don’t want to mention specific names here in my journal. So whatever.

I really hate being told I’m wrong. Especially when I really am. Well who doesn’t? I just don’t like being rubbed in the face with the things that I’m already worked up about. Not like it helps. Never mind.

Sometimes I wish I can just do whatever the hell I want and no one would give a damn about it. That way, I can just let everybody else do whatever the hell they want and I wouldn’t give a damn about it too. But sometimes, we can’t really get what we wish for, most certainly those times that we wish for things we shouldn’t really want.

Everybody needs somebody else to point out the wrongs so it could be dealt with. And privacy can really be too much to ask for, especially when you’re around people who actually care.

So getting scolded for things really is bittersweet. But maybe it just hurts because we hate being proved wrong. And once we get past that, we realize that we really have nothing to be worked up about. Because no matter how much we hide or deny it, we can never really erase the fact that we all need other people to let us down in correcting us so we could pick ourselves up and become better people.

Whatever.

My Sembreak Journal: Waiting For My Scene

2010-11-02T06:02:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

When you’re in stuck in one place, like a bird trapped in a cage, you can’t help but dream of flying.

I’ve been staring at that first sentence for some time now and I can’t seem to follow it up with supporting ideas. It’s amazing how a few words could so easily sum up what you feel that when you utter those words, you find it hard to elaborate.

As I was rotting in our couch for four days, I’ve found out that people can get worn out for taking too much rest. I’ve ran out of thoughts to soak myself in to, I’ve finished my DVD of Scrubs, and I’ve eaten every edible thing off the refrigerator. It’s odd how sometimes you get so full and yet feel so empty.

Sometimes when I’m bored I dream of being somebody else. Maybe that’s why I keep photoshopping my face into bodies of movie stars, because I easily get tired of being the same old boring me. I sometimes want my life to be one big movie, where something exciting always happens. In movies, nothing ever seems to bother the actors except the plot. They never worry about peeing and stuff, unless of course it’s part of the script.

I bet each one of us had dreamt of being a movie character at least once in our lives. Some of us want to be heroes, some want to be villains and occasionally, some would want to be the ridiculously funny ones because they get all the attention. But of course, there would come a time when we’ll have to wake up from our dreams and embrace the reality that life most of the time could really just be a boring series of events. And most of the time, it’s not really just about us.

But then again, maybe life really is one big movie production, and somehow somewhere, some audience is watching us and we’re unknowingly playing our own small parts of the huge plot that encompasses everyone. I just want to hope that whatever this part I’m playing in that script, it’s an important one. And after the movie’s done, the ones watching would somehow remember me for whatever it is I did.

Well now that I’ve thought of it, who wouldn’t want that?

My Sembreak Journal: Figuring Out Yourself

2010-10-31T23:20:00.000-07:00

Monday, October 25, 2010

It’s officially the first day of our Sembreak and I’m beginning to appreciate the fact that I get to sleep ‘til half past noon. On regular days, I wake up a little before eleven, so you could see the big difference. Well anyway, I’m still pissed off about the fact that I didn’t get a canvas for our painting project in MAPEH so I had to buy a floury katsa from a bakery in Bayan. I had to wash it and let it dry and paint it white. Whatever.

Anyway, I had to put off painting because I didn’t get paint too so like the days before I spent my time watching Scrubs and photoshopping pictures. For some reason, I’m not as eager in writing as I was back when I was last year. I don’t know what happened along the way, I mean, I don’t even write that much in my blog. To be honest, I kind of miss doing that. I don’t even know why I’m not writing there anymore.

Sometimes it’s hard to figure out yourself. It’s hard to identify what went wrong where and when and why. Sometimes I wish some camera has been following me around, watching my every move, like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show, so I could rewind it a little bit and find out why some things inside me aren’t like they were before.

If you were to stand face to face with the person you used to be a year or maybe two years ago, what would that person say to you? Or better yet, what you would you say to that person? Sometimes people change so drastically over time that we forget we know them, in my case, that I forget I was that person.

Maybe that’s just how people grow. We change in ways we never imagined, in manners we never expected. And maybe knowing what went wrong where and when and why wouldn’t change a thing, because in the end, we’d have to accept who we are and move on. So we could grow again. Only this time, we hope that we change into a better person than we were yesterday.

My Sembreak Journal: Unlimited

2010-10-31T23:14:00.000-07:00

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Why do they call it unlimited texting when it’s only for a limited time? Well, never mind. I guess I’m just pissed because my unli expired and I won’t be having any money for load for the next few days. All of a sudden, my only bridge of communication to people in my life who actually matter has been cut off and now, I’m once again all alone.

Some days I keep my distance from people. Not because I like being alone, just because I can’t think clearly with noise. What I now realize is how stupid that notion is. Had I realized in those days that in moments not of our choosing we will be alone, I would have treasured those times when I’m in the company of others.

Maybe I just miss my friends. And you know what, it’s stupid. Because it’s not even Sembreak yet, it’s still just a regular weekend. But maybe it’s not the time spend apart that makes them miss each other, it’s more of the idea of a longer period of time without them being together that makes them want to be with each other. Maybe I’m just scared of not having certain people around to be with me when I don’t want to be alone for one whole week.

We all like to be alone from time to time. Sometimes, we don’t even know why. But even so, we’ll soon just realize that no matter how much we draw ourselves away from others, we’re going to need them to be there for us too. That’s why we wish the bridges that keep us together would always be there and never break. Unlimited.

A good book once said that it’s not good for a man to be alone. And there’s a good reason for that: most of the time, man really doesn’t want to.

My Sembreak Journal: Suddenly Nothing Happened

2010-10-31T23:04:00.000-07:00

Saturday, October 23, 2010

There are days you wished were special so you could find a way to enjoy them. Sadly, this one’s one of those days. I tried looking forward to the next few days, ‘cause I’ll be having my supposedly one-week’s worth of vacation. Hooray! However, I don’t really have anything to look forward to.

Most people find ways to enjoy life, like going on trips or spending time with friends. However I’m not like most people. When I get bored, I sleep. I’d wish I could do something productive, but considering the things I’ve done the past few days, perhaps sleeping would be the most productive thing to do.
Times like these, I feel like I don’t exist.

I don’t even know what I’m getting at here, so I guess I’ll just write down some random thought and hope you’d still read the next entry.

I guess the best part of not existing is that you don’t get to be blamed for anything that goes wrong. That way, you’re not responsible for any bad vibes or feelings set astir. But now that I’ve thought of it, watching something go wrong and not having to help come up with a solution could lead to the feeling of being useless. Watching something happy, on the other hand, and not having to do anything with it would just make you feel like you don’t belong.

Suddenly, I’m happy nothing happened today. Because if something bad happened that’s out of my control or something good occurred without me being involved, I would just end up feeling sorry for myself.

It’s funny how random thoughts like these could make you thankful for unremarkable things, and how slow uneventful days give you hope that there will be better ones. And when those better days come, you’d feel better too 'cause somehow, you're a part of it.

Eirene

2010-10-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

You held my hand in the passenger seat
And had me shaking to my feet
I closed my eyes as you tilted your head
Against my shoulder, then you said

Never hide your love away
Just keep it for a better day
Soon enough, we'll both be free
A time for us, I'm sure there'll be

I find my peace when you are near
Safe and sound from every fear
In your warmth, I fumble and fold
As we passed the signs, I softly told

I'll never find the words to say
'I love you' the old-fashioned way
Soon enough, we'll get there too
A place for us, just me and you

You fell asleep in my bony arms
You breathe to me and my soul warms
Almost prayed to God so time would slow
But if it did, I'll never know

If we'll ever get to that sweet day
And say 'I love you' our own way
So let time fly while you're with me
'Til that day comes... with you, I'll be

Krayola

2010-10-17T05:15:00.000-07:00

Buhay na kulay sa pader
Na ginawa mo noong papel
Bilog na ulo't krus na braso
Unang pagguhit mo ng tao

Buhay na kulay sa papel
Nang mapuno na ang pader
Limang taong gawa sa linya
Unang pagguhit ng pamilya

Buhay na kulay, kinahon at tinabi nang kay tagal
Sa dami ng iyong ginuhit, 'di malayong mapagal
Ngunit sa iyong pagkatanda't nang lamunin ng problema
Ay muli mong binuksan ang kahon ng krayola

Hinawakan
Tinitigan
Iginuhit sa papel
Binitawan
Iniwanan
At 'di ka na nakapagpigil
Buhay na kulay sa mundong tila nilamon ng dilim
Iginawad mong muli, ngayo'y gamit ang patalim

Buhay na kulay sa pulso
Mga guhit na pula sa krus mong braso
Nang magkawatak-watak ang limang taong linya
Kasabay ng pagbagsak ay kawalan mo ng pag-asa

Nang hawakan ng isang dilag daliri mga mong basa
Sa naghalong pagdurugo at natuyo mong mga luha
Inilapit sa pader, daliri mong namamaga
Inalalayan sa pagguhit ng nakangiting mukha

Mapagparaluman

2010-09-15T06:07:00.000-07:00

Sabi ni Doraemon, ang mahirap sa pagiging matanda, wala nang mas matanda sa’yo para pagsabihan ka ‘pag may ginagawa kang mali.

Minsan masarap maging malungkot. Aminin man natin o hindi, may mga oras na gusto nating mapag-isa kahit wala namang dahilan. Mahilig tayong makinig ng malulungkot na kanta, manuod ng mga malulungkot na palabas at magbasa ng malulungkot na kwento. Hindi natin maipaliwanag kung bakit. Para din siguro ‘pag masaya tayo. Basta ‘pag gusto nating maramdaman ang isang pakiramdam, patuloy tayong gumagawa ng paraan para maramdaman ‘yun. Ewan ko. Sabog ako e.

Meron din namang mga panahon na kahit pa ayaw natin, nararamdaman natin ang isang pakiramdam. Halimbawa, may matindi kang problema tapos makakarinig ka bigla ng sobrang tinding patawa kaya hindi mo talaga mapigilang humalakhak. O kaya naman naroon ka sa isang masayang lugar tapos bigla ka na lang sisimangot kasi may maaalala kang taong gusto mong kasama habang masaya ka. Minsan tuloy nakakapagtaka, gumagalaw ba tayo batay sa emosyon natin o nakakaramdam tayo base sa ikinikilos natin? Parang itlog at manok. Hindi mo alam kung ano talaga ang nauna.

Malungkot ako ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Siguro dahil nag-aaway ang mga magulang ko. Siguro dahil marami na akong ‘di napapasang assignment sa English. Siguro dahil walang nagmamahal sa akin. Siguro dahil umaasa akong may gagawin ang Diyos para maayos ang kahit isa man lang sa mga problema ko, pero nakakapagod maghintay.

Siguro pagod na ako.

May mga problemang akala mo involved ka pero parang hindi naman. Pakiramdam mo kasali ka kasi nasasaktan ka, kasi hindi ka makagalaw o kaya kasi sinisisi mo sarili mo. Pero minsan, kahit anong pilit mong ayusin ang sitwasyon, hindi mo kaya kasi wala ka naman talagang kinalaman. Para kang estudyante sa loob ng isang klasrum na nasa gitna ng dalawang nagpuputukang kampo. Alam mong walang saysay ang pagtayo at pag-awat dahil wala rin namang titigil at baka maputukan ka pa kaya wala kang ibang magawa kundi umupo at magdasal. Walang magagawa ang pag-iyak o ang galit. Kahit magpakamatay ka, alam mong hindi matatapos ang giyera para ipagluksa ka.

Masakit pala kapag sinabi ng nanay mo na sinira ng tatay mo ang buhay niya. Kasi hindi ka sigurado kung ikaw ba ‘yung dulot ng kasiraang ‘yun. Hindi mo alam kung nasasaktan ba ang nanay mo sa tuwing nakikita ka niya dahil naaalala niya ang kasiraan sa buhay niya. Nakakalungkot. Baka isa ka sa mga milyun-milyong bata na itinuturing na bunga ng kasalanan. At ang pagpapalaki sa iyo ay hindi pala dahil sa pagmamahal, baka dahil lang ayaw maging iresponsable ng mga magulang mo.

Ang mahirap sa pagiging anak, habangbuhay na mas matanda sa iyo ang magulang mo.
Pilit nilang ituturo sa iyo ang mga bagay na nakikita mo araw-araw dahil takot silang magkaroon ka ng ibang ideya tungkol sa mga pangyayari. Wala namang mali ‘dun, ang reklamo ko lang ay kung bakit akala ng mga magulang minsan, walang ibang kargo ang mga anak nila kaya kung makapag-feed ng info e tuluy-tuloy.

“With much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more pain.”

Sabi ‘yun ni Solomon, ang sinasabing pinakamarunong na tao sa mundo. Nabuhay tayo simula sa pagkapanak na kapag alam natin ang isang bagay, makakasabay tayo sa iba. Natuto tayong maglakad, magsalita at magsulat dahil sa pagnanais nating mapabilang sa maraming marunong gumawa ‘nun. May ibang natutong magyosi, uminom at mag-drugs dahil sa parehong dahilan. Mahilig tayong tumakbo at habulin ang mga bagay na hindi natin alam dahil takot tayong maiwanan. Pero sa patuloy nating pamumuhay, higit pa sa pagtanggap ng iba ang habol natin. Minsan gusto natin tayo naman ang tinutuklas.

Minsan gusto natin tayo naman ang pinipilit sabayan. Sa mga panahong ‘yun naiisip nating wala palang saysay ang maraming alam kasi hindi siya kasiguraduhang hindi tayo mapagiiwanan. Kaya parang nawawalan bigla lahat ng saysay ang pagpapakahirap mo para tumalino o matuto. Kasi ikaw pa rin ‘yung humahabol. Walang pinagkaiba nung ’di ka pai marunong maglakad.

Napansin mo puro may ‘mon’ ang mga pinagkukunan ko ng quotes? Doraemon tapos Solomon.
Wala lang. Napansin ko lang.

Siguro nga matanda na ako, kasi ‘yung mga bagay na feeling ko hindi na dapat ginagawa ng matanda, tinatawag ko nang ‘immature’. Halimbawa, ‘yung pagsisisihan, ‘yung panunumbat, ‘yung paglalayas o ‘di kaya ‘yung pagwawala. Hindi naman sa sinasabi kong hindi ko ‘yun ginagawa, alam ko lang na normally, hindi ganun dapat. Kaya nakakaasar kasi hindi ko pwedeng itama dahil hindi ako otoridad.

Siguro sumpa na rin ng Diyos sa akin ang pagiging idealistic ko, kasi sa tuwing nabibigo ako sa mga bagay na nakikita ko, o hindi ko nakikita, nasasaktan ako. Naiinggit ako sa mga taong nakukuha ng tama ang mga bagay sa mundo katulad ng pagpapamilya, pananampalataya at pag-aaral. May mga panahoong pinipilit kong itama ang mga mali sa akin, at nadidisappoint din ako kapag hindi ko ‘yun nagagawa. Ang mahirap sa pagiging mapagparalumang bata, pilit mong ihinahambing ang tunay na mundo sa dapat kaya palagi kang bigo. Ang dami mong frustrations dahil ang mundong pinipilit kang baguhin, hindi mo mabago.

Minsan mas gusto ng taong maging imperpekto. Mas gusto nating tanggapin ang mga pagkukulang natin kaysa baguhin iyon. Minsan mas gusto nating magsalita kahit mali para lang malaman kung may magrereact. Kahit walang malulutas ang pagsasalita.

Masyado tayong mapaghingi sa iba na mahalin ang mga depekto natin kahit asar na asar tayo sa depekto ng iba. Sobra tayong nakamasid sa pagiging ‘okey lang naman’ kakulangan natin at pagiging nakakaasar ng kakulangan ng iba. Gumawa pa tayo ng subject na Ekonomiks para matugunan ang kakulangan, sa sobrang pagkatutok natin ‘dun. Kaya siguro hindi natin madalas mapansin ang Diyos. Kasi wala siyang kakulangan.

Mahirap palang maging matanda. Mahirap kasi kahit anong tanda mo, may mas matanda pa rin sa’yo. Mahirap kasi kahit araw-araw nagbabago ka sa paraang hindi mo gusto, hindi naman nagbabago ang mga ayaw mong bagay sa paligid mo. Malungkot kasi may nawawalang mga bagay, tulad ng pag-ibig, nagbabagong mga tao, katulad ng mga dating sabi raw ay nagmamahal sa’yo, at nasisirang mga lugar, katulad ng bahay niyo. Mahirap ksi ang mga nawala, ang mga nagbago at ang mga nasira, hindi na maibabalik.

Mahirap tumanda kasi pilit mo mang takasan ang mga bagay na ayaw mo dahil gusto mong mapag-isa, darating ang panahon na pati ang mga bagay na ‘yun hahabulin mo para lang masabing hindi ka napag-iiwanan. Mahirap tumanda kasi malungkot. At kadalasan, walang taong mas matanda sa’yo ang nasa paligid para tapikin ka at sabihing, “Hayaan mo anak, napagdaanan ko na ‘yan.”

Sabi rin ni Doraemon, “’Wag mong sasabihing may problema ka tapos ‘di mo naman sasabihin kung ano, para ka lang nag-alok ng hopia pero wala ka namang balak magbigay.”

Kay asana malaman mo, kung sino ka man, na may problema ako. Hindi ko alam kung makakatulong ba ang pagbabasa mo, pero dahil ngayon alam mo na kung ano ‘yon, sana naman ay nabusog ka. At least may isa sa ating dalawa na nakuntento sa ginawa ko.

Siklo ng Buhay ng Romantikong Bigo (Tugon sa Basted)

2010-09-12T03:11:00.000-07:00

Natulog ako sa pag-asang
Nakangiti akong gigising
At matatanggap ko nang
Hindi ka na makakapiling

Para lamang mapaluha
Nang maalala ang kabiguan
Mali ang aking inakala
'Di pa kita makalimutan

Umupo ako sa sulok
Dinama ang haligi ng silid
Karamay sa pagmumukmok
Laban sa init ng paligid

Pikit-mata, bukas-palad
Hinarap ko ang umaga
Hiniling na sa'king paglalakad
Ay mabubura ang drama

Naghanap ako ng masisisi
Nang di magalit sa iyo
Hinanap ko ang aking sarili
Ngunit naiwan ko siya sa palad mo

Sana may litrato ang kahapon
Para maitago ko sa'king pitaka
O kahit sana maisilid sa kahon
Ang tamis ng iyong ala-ala

Humiga ako sa damuhan
Dinama ang hamog na kumumot sa akin
Nawala ang kapighatian
Ng biglang sumagi sa damdamin

Na kailangan nang itapon
Ang kalungkutan at pag-iisa
Sa'yo na nga ang aking kahapon
Pati ba ngayo'y idadamay pa?

Hahanapin muli ang sarili ko
At kung sira na'y pagdiddikit-dikitin
Upang muling maialay nang buo
Sakaling tadhana'y dumating

Nahimbing ako sa tiwalang
Hindi ako nag-iisa
Na bukas may magandang nakaabang
Kahit pa hindi kita kasama

Hinihintay ang 'sang umagang
Pag-ibig kusang darating
Natulog ako sa pag-asang
Nakangiti akong gigising

Hindi Tungkol Sa'yo

2010-09-12T03:10:00.003-07:00

Sumilip
Ang araw
Ako ay namulat

Nakatulog
ang tinta
Sa dulo ng panulat

Binuklat
Ang kwaderno
Para lang matagpuan

Mga kwentong
Di matapos
Dahil di masimulan

Sa dagat
Ng aking utak
Tahimik na naglalayag

Naghahanap
Ng mga latak
Para lang may mahayag

Tila ubos na
ang saysay
'San ba tinago't kinahon?

Tuluyan nga bang
Napawalay
Kasama ng inspirasyon?

Hanapin
Habulin
Kung sa'n nagsimula

Bago pa
Naging tungkol sa'yo
Ang aking mga tula

Pulutin
Ang sarili
Pilitin na makawala na

Sa gapos
Sa tali
Ng mapait mong ala-ala

Life Growing Up

2010-08-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

These are the days you begin to appear
More and more like the people you used to fear
Loathing all the days with insecurities
Wearing fake wide smiles and false identities

These are the days you have come to hate the most
When you feel like you're living someone else's ghost
The dreams you used to dream don't look the same as before
And the faces you wear aren't as bubbly as before

Say goodbye to your old joys and comfort zones
Say hello to broken promises and homes
This is how the future looks from where you are
Amazing how she looks much better from afar

These are the people you used to laugh and cry with
They're really not as loving when you think about it
Funny how easy they came to realize you're gone
You wonder if they had as much trouble as you had moving on

These are the people you never really understood
They're really not as caring as everybody says they should
Funny how hard it is for you, enforcing them to stay
You wonder why even if they don't, you still love them anyway

Say goodbye to your old friends and the things you used to do
Say hello to memories, they're all that's left of you
Someday, somewhere your comfort and joy would soon appear
Only that someday isn't now and that somewhere isn't here

Minsan

2010-08-19T05:50:00.002-07:00

Minsan sobrang ganda mo
Minsan naman konti lang
Para ngang minsan hiyang ako sa'yo
Pero parang minsan naiilang

Minsan gusto kitang yakapin
Minsan naman parang hindi
Para ngang minsan gusto kong sabihin
Pero kasi minsan parang mali

Minsan tumititig ako sa'yo
Minsan naman 'di kita matignan
Minsan sabog kasi ako
Mahal kita, pero minsan lang.

Minsan nakakaasar ka
Minsan naman pikon ka rin
Para ngang kasing nag-iiba ka
Pati na rin itong damdamin

Minsan nasa panaginip kita
Minsan naman nasa bangungot
Minsan ang cute mo kapag masaya
At ang pangit mo 'pag nakasimangot

Minsan din iniisip ko
Kung minsan ba mahal mo rin ako
Kung oo, sana sabihin mo
Para minsan naman magkasabay tayo.

Kung Wala Na

2010-08-19T05:50:00.001-07:00

Kung wala nang tutugon
Kung wala nang sasang-ayon
Kung hindi na makaahon
Kasi wala na siya ngayon

Kung walang akdang makapaparam
Sa kanyang pagdaramdam
Upang malinis ang tiwalang
Pinapak na ng kalawang

Kung wala nang laman ang mga tula
At basta na lamang salita
Kung wala nang ganang kumatha
Kung wala na ring napapala

Kung wala na ang kaibigang
Kasama mong sinusubukang
Lagyan ang alat ang tabang
Nitong mundo nating hibang

Anong saysay ng papuri?
Anong silbi ng pagtatangi?
Walang dating ang bahaghari
Kung mag-isa sa pighati

Mystery Juice

2010-08-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

She won’t speak to me
Won’t speak
And it’s all my own fault

Singing to Sean Lennon’s Mystery Juice
Singing to a song ‘bout how I am of no use
Failing a damsel with broken promises
Trying to be a knight when I’m the one in distress

Crying in my room, choosing to hide
Crying ‘bout the void that’s killing me inside
And I know you can’t forgive me for the things I always do
Can’t even do it for myself, how can I expect you to?

Trying so hard to go and make amends
Trying so hard so we’d still be friends
But I guess it’s just not easy to forget
It’s easier to sleep to the thought of regret

Failing a friend again is just too much to bear
And knowing that the words I say won’t even make you care
I’ve done the best I can just to thank you for your words
But I guess it’s just not fair that I have led you to your worst

She won’t speak to me
Won’t speak
And it’s all my own fault

Nagwakas

2010-08-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

Tinapon
Kahapon
Sa alon

Ang iyong pusong nalantang dahon.

Nilayong
Umaho't
Bumangon

Ngunit nalunod sa daluyong.

Napunit
Subalit
Umulit

Sa kabila ng pagdaramdam

Pinilit
Kumapit
Subalit

Nabalot na ng ilang

Di kaya pag-ibig ay isa lamang kalokohang pasakit
Kay raming kailangan napapawi din naman ang init
Buhay ka sa alinlangan kung tunay ba ang nararamdaman
O dala lang ng pagnanais maibsan ang kalungkutan

Malamig
Ang hawig
Ang titig

Tutok sa iyong iniibig

Salita
Ay iba
Sa gawa

At pagkapako ng pagmamasid

Pag-ibig ba ang kahilingan o nais lang ay kasintahan?
Ang uhaw lang sa paglingap ang dahilan ng paramdam?
Ano ba ang layunin ng tibok sa ilalim ng dibdib?
Ang maghanap lang ng kasama o mag-alay ng pag-ibig?

Sukatin
Isipin
Ayusin

Ano nga ba ang iyong dinadalangin?

Tanungin
Suriin
Sagutin

Siya ba o ikaw ang nais mong mahalin?

Umiibig ba tayo para ibigin lang rin?
Nagpapasakit lamang upang gantihan at mahalin?
Kalokohan ma'y may saysay kung ang puso'y totoo
Hindi lang inaalay para may ialay rin sa'yo

Nagsawa
Sa luha
Kaya nga

Umalpas
Kumalas...

Nagwakas.

Arvin or To An Anonymous Hater: My Worst Poem Ever

2010-07-31T22:33:00.000-07:00

You can hate me 'cause I'm mad
But don't hate me 'cause I'm sad
It just hurts when you claim to understand
But you're just raising eyebrows without lending a hand

I try to be poetic
I try to be romantic
Thinking if my words would rhyme
I won't be such a waste of time

See that's always my case
I don't have a pretty face
I would give so much for you to say
"You really look so nice today"

But I don't need an audience
I can work in silence
I never asked for your "Good job!"
I work for the people I love

I do the things I do
Not 'cause people tell me to
But because I'd like to stick around
Knowing I let nobody down

I always pray to be enough
And be more than just a laugh
I wish someday you'd see me too
Not just my words , or the things I do

And though sadness isn't a crime
I still thank you for your time
I appreciate my readers giving their stands
I love the truth more than fake clapping hands

Brief Pauses Between Those Three Words

2010-07-28T05:43:00.000-07:00

I didn't like what i saw when i read between the lines
You and I are bothered people living in such bothered times
And in the midst of all the hurt and all the pain you put me through
All of a sudden you say you love me, what am I supposed to do?

You saw me desperately needing you, once upon a time
And yet you let me slip away as if my love is but a crime
I took it all in because I thought it was the end
And so I smiled, falling apart, though it's so hard to pretend

Now you expect me to pick up the pieces of the heart you threw away
And give it back again to you, the way I gave it yesterday
Stop spinning me around, making me hope like I did then
It would only hurt me more if you throw me away again

Don't tell me of your love and then just simply walk away
Don't think that I would chase you like I chased you yesterday
You surely know something has changed, don't pretend we're still the same
'Cause frankly I am not your toy, and my love is not a game

Don't tell me that you love me 'cause you've told me that before
You know I have no need for words, what I want is so much more
I need to feel you once again, but this time, please be true
Because there's so much more to love than just saying "I love you"

The Boyfriend ng Bayan Theme

2010-07-28T05:39:00.000-07:00

Hindi ako tanga para laging paasahin
Halata ko naman sa mga kilos niya't tingin
HIndi ako pumasa sa kanyang mga pamantayan
Kaya nga pasya ko, wag na lamang pagpilitan

'Di sa kanya, 'di sa iba, hindi kahit kanino
Sa mga taong tulad ko, wala nang seseryoso
Tanggap ko na ang katotohanang 'di ako pangmatagalan
Na sa mga katulad ko, walang taong nakalaan

Hawakan ang kamay ng lahat ng kasabay
Kahit walang pag-ibig, basta na lang ipagpalagay
Sumandal sa bawat matabiha'tumakbay na rin kung pwede
Sino namang magseselos kung merong ibang masabi?

Wala nang pusong mababasag kung sakaling masaktan
Kung meron mang manloko, hindi na rin mararamdaman
Kaya laruin niyo na lang basta itong pag-ibig kong tanga
Kunyari na lang masaya ko sa akin pag-iisa

Make-Out Kids

2010-07-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

The dirty walls and worn-out chairs, blanketed with dust
Broken windows with their glass shattered, like trust;
The past sees you through a mirror, fogged by a mist
As you entered once again, the room where you had your first kiss.

Every single little detail, you could still well remember
From that lazy Monday morning in the middle of December
To how her breath have fogged the lens of your thick-rimmed glasses
And how she dragged you to the storage room when you two skipped your classes

How her hands were soft and dry when you held them so tight
Why you're the one always thinking, while she's the one always right
How her lips were soft and moist when they plunged into yours
How she smiled afterwards, killing every bit of remorse

Moments with her, when you felt most alive
You always wished to bring them back and there forever reside
But dredging up the truth that she left you behind
You suddenly realize that you're out of your mind

Many years drifting away with the echo of her loss
The walls of your storage room had resigned to webs and moss
Remembering the times you spent, with her and her alone
You summon the slightest courage you'd need to call her on the phone.

"One more first kiss," you pleaded. "After this, I'll let you be."
"Okay," she says with a faint fake laugh. "I'll be there, wait for me."
Few hours gone you dragged her in, closed the windows and shut the door
But you stopped with a truth that chilled your spine, "It isn't like before."

You cupped your hands into your mouth, with some tears, realizing
You can retrieve the place and chase her, but never can bring back the feeling
And she knew this, that all the memories soon would fadee with all the years
Still she held you close, folding her arms, shoulders catching all the tears

"We're not the same," she whispered softly, kissed your cheeks and walked away
You woke up to the dream that binds you, knowing you couldn't make her stay.
Waving goodbye, she said, "You really love it when I'm with you, reminiscing."
"And she's right again," you thought, though you're the only one thinking

The dirty walls and worn-out chairs, blanketed with dust
Broken windows with their glass shattered, like trust;
The past sees you through a mirror, fogged by a mist
As you burned down the old room where you had your final kiss.

A Letter to My Future Self

2010-07-16T06:23:00.000-07:00

Dear 30 Year-Old Me,

If you’re reading this, I would like to congratulate you for having reached 30. a lot has probably happened in 15 years, some disappointments might have occurred to you in the process. Well if you’re currently stressed about some things, I would like to remind you that 15 years ago stress was your life.

You might remember being asked by your old Teacher Adelle (visit her some time) to write to your older self. That’s one of the reasons why I wrote to you. Another reason is that I am currently troubled by what tomorrow has for me.

It is less than a month before the UPCAT exams and I am starting to worry whether I’m going to make it or not. If ever I did and you’re some kind of a professional now, please know that you did well. Thank God. If you’re already well-off and what you earn is more than enough to satisfy your needs, please bless others.

In the event that you did not pass the exam, I would want to assume that you have already overcome the grief of failure. I know you tend to overreact with sadness, but I still hope something good has come out of it. I also know that with all your overreactions, you are not suicidal. I trust that you still value life and regard everything as God’s will. I am wondering what path you must have taken afterwards. Did you ever go to Bible school? If you did so then good for you. If not, then do so. I would like you to study there even if you passed.

The coffee I made writing this is bland, so I put some Milo in it. Does the brand still exist? If it still does, try to drink some after reading this. Just to complete the nostalgia.
I am guessing you already have a wife. If not, try not to trouble yourself in finding one. You don’t want to be heartbroken again, like me today.

Just in case you now have a family, please try to be more like your father. Always keep your kids comfortable, even if they tend to under-appreciate their parents. When they reach 15 they probably would. I do.

Did you wind up with a girl like Nanay? I’m sure their quite alike in ways more than one. If you’re earning so much that she wouldn’t have to work (I really hope you would), please show her how much you love her everyday. If she insists to work with you, let her. Just make sure your children are well-loved, like you were when you were just me.

I am now wondering what kind of girl you wound up with. Is she hot? Is she the girl of your dreams? Is she someone from the past? Even if she’s not at least one of those things, I best believe she loves you as much as you do. If you feel that she’s drifting away sometimes, do your best to keep her close, but try not to suffocate her. Always keep your marriage all about love. I trust in you.

Whatever you do, don’t bitch around with other girls. Also, never take drugs. If you ever did one of those things, I want you to be ashamed of yourself and shoot yourself dead with a gun. If ever you don’t have a gun, I still want you to be ashamed of yourself. Of course, you probably would own a gun if you wound up being a secret agent like Nat Dickstein in Ken Follet’s Triple, so please know that I was just kidding. Still, never let yourself burn in hell.

If you have the time, I want you to visit all the places you called home. I want you to patch things up with everyone you considered family, especially your real family. Lastly and most importantly, I want you to thank the Lord for letting you live through so many things, with people you love and love you back always around. Please always pray to God. Don’t let yourself stumble in faith.

To end things, I would like to advise you not to mind all the expectations you used to have for yourself. If you failed in some things, remember that you fall to learn to pick yourself up (Batman Begins). Remember that life is a stream that flows to whatever heaven lying in the midst of the falls (The Bucket List). Remember that if ever you want a miracle to happen: learn to be that miracle (Bruce Almighty). Also, remember to watch the aforementioned movies. Watch 500 Days of Summer too (if possible, watch them with your wife).

Lastly, please know that though life is not always what you wanted it to be, it is always what you make it to be. Like what your old friend Max said, “With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy”.

Rakenrol brad. God bless you. Kapagod mag-Ingles.

Always hoping for the best,
Arvin, 15 years old.
July 16, 2010

Nathaniel

2010-07-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

Ang dati mong mga pangarap, tawag mo ngayo'y ilusyon
Kasinungalingan na lang ang mga dati mong piksyon
At ang dating mga awit tungkol sa tunay na pag-ibig
Mga ungol at ugong na lamang sa iyong pandinig

Sawa ka na sa mga kwentong wala namang mga kwenta
Umay na rin sa mga nobela at mga pelikula
Ninais mo na minsang maniwala sa kanila,
Akala mo totoo, hindi naman pala

Mga tulang saysay na ginawa sa kapaitan
Ganito lang talaga ang walang mapag-alayan
Dati may sumasagot sa mga tawag mo
Ngayon alarm clock na lang ang iyong telepono

Hawakan ang kamay ng bawat babaeng madaanan
At subukan mo kung may ibang mararamdaman
Bukod sa lamig ng katotohanang sumasabog sa dilim
Na kahit pa may magtiyaga, iiwanan ka lang rin

Iunat ang 'yong braso sa kawalan nitong mundo
Pumikit at hintayin kung may hihila pa sa'yo
Magagaspang na palad, maliliit na daliri
Kahit ano, basta kamay. 'Wag ka na lang kasing mamili

Pagod na ang 'yong diwa sa pag-asa sa wala
Buti pa nga ang iba, nakakahanap ng tuwa
Isa lang naman ang lunas sa iyong paninimdim
Konting tamis sa mapait, konting liwanag sa dilim

Ngayo'y sasabak ka sa giyerang hindi mo hinangad
Hihilahin ng tungkuli't saan-saan mapapadpad
Buti sana kung may tao kang iiwan ng iyong puso
'Di sana'y may babalikan kung sakaling mabigo

Isang halik sa kawalan, ang tangi mong pamamaalam
Bahala na ang hangin kung sino ang makaramdam
Hanggang sa muli, ilusyon ng masasandalang bisig
Mas may saysay pa ang tungkulin, saka na lamang ang pag-ibig.

The Poe Toaster

2010-07-03T00:45:00.000-07:00

Edgar, Edgar, help me my friend
Where do you cling once your love reached its end?
How do you write when you know she won't read?
How do you want when you have not of your need?

You were a child in a kingdom by the sea
With a pen and a heart, you were a boy like me
Had a love so young, that the angels despised
Had a quarrel with stars, leading to her demise

Edgar, Edgar, help me dear sir
How do I breathe with emotions astir?
How do you know whether or not she loves you still?
When you know she won't reply, how could you hold the quill?

There is a love more than love, you said so, I believe
But what happens to the heart if that love would dare leave?
She left without a word, or even the promise of returning
Turning my hope into confusion and our romance into mourning

Edgar, Edgar, in the corner you'd find
A hopeless lover and poet, we're two of a kind
For she came without a care, and left me without a heart
I'd write about the pain, but tell me, where do I start?

In real life there are more walls than just highborn kinsmen
Time drives memories to fade and romance to be forgotten
We live by the same rules of the life we try to imitate in paper
we shall not escape our fate, though in books and poems we linger

Edgar, Edgar, help me to cope
To find cities of gold or maybe just the slightest hope
That maybe I could just believe that there is till someone for me
True love for a lonely boy, in a kingdom by the sea.

Prof Banlaois Transcendental Medication After Every 6mos Or My Tribute to The Eraserheads

2010-06-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

Hey Jay, pare ko
Anong nangyari, walang nagbago?
Kumusta na kayo ni Julie Tearjerky?
Ni Toyang? Ni Ligaya, pati na rin ni Shirley?

Easy ka lang tsong, dahan-dahan
Kaliwete ka talaga, naiisip ko minsan
Kung ganun pala, edi kananete ako
Ikaw babaero; ako, torpedo.

Huwag mo nang itanong ang tungkol sa lovelife ko
It's hard to believe, how far will you go
Shadow is my friend kaya okey lang naman
Ang buhay na ganyan, 'di ko rin gustong subukan

Marami kasing salamin sa bahay namin
Kaya siguro lumaki akong maalaalahanin
Naisip ko kung paano maging tulad mong gwapo
Palit kaya tayo, superproxy mo ako

Pumunta 'ko dati sa tindahan ni aling nena
May sumasayaw na dalaga akong nakita
Anghel sa alapaap, kamukha ni Paraluman
Masungit nga lang, parang policewoman

Insomya ang inabot ko kaiisip sa kanya
Gusto ko na nga sanang bumisita't mangharana
Parang sembreak ang tagal ng oras 'pag di ko masilayan
Slomo ang mundo, parang lightyears ang pagitan

I was waiting for the bus, one Christmas morning
I saw her sa may tollgate, paru-parong ningning
It was finetime habang andun kami sa sakayan
May nabuong maselang bahaghari sa aking isipan

Gave her some butterscotch habang nagkekwentuhan
And also some palamig na may pulang gulaman
Time was like recess and the world was our playground
Parang trip to Jerusalem, she spun me 'round and 'round

Pero kinabukasan, kasama ang barkada niya
Kinausap ko siya, pero parang di na niya 'ko kilala
I can't remember you, 'yun ang sabi niya sa akin
At simula 'nun 'yoko na rin siyang kausapin

Hanggang nawala na lang siya, pumunta nang Canada
Lumipas ang maraming taon, 'di na kami nagkita
Tama ka pare, badtrip ang umasa
Akala ko oks na, maskara lang pala

Until one day, sa 68 Dr. Sixto Antonio Avenue
I was reading a magasin, hulaan mo nakita ko
Nandun siya sa cover, nagpose para sa masa
Ang babaeng isnabera, artista na pala

Suntok sa buwan na lang pala, sa katulad kong pangit
Ang umasang lumipad para tikman ang langit
I tried to drown her with fruitcake and alkohol
Ang utak ko tuloy nagkabuhol-buhol

Siguro nga it's all true, everything they say
When someone lets you down, shake yer head and walk away
Don't think it's already love, baka it's just maling akala
Hindi naman natin alam kung sino sa atin nakatadhana

Pero minsan, sumisilip pa rin ako sa bintana
Ang huling el bimbo niya, inaasam ko lang makita
Kumakain ng butterscotch sa tabi ng sakayan
Kailan ko kaya siya muling masisilayan?

image from http://musikheiress.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/eraserheads-old-full.jpg

Jesus of Suburbia

2010-06-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

Billy got up and opened the door
Realizing its six minutes to four
And the world is still asleep with the stars above

Gone, the days of rock and roll
Those when he went and sold his soul
No longer is he bastard son of endless rage and love

Light was everywhere
But no one was to care
Everyone was busy sleeping in the dark

Sleepwalkers, living lies
Afraid to open their bloodshot eyes
And see the truth that in him left a mark

For Billy too was sleeping then
Why he lived the way he’s been
But now he feels alive and wide-awake

‘Cause now Billy knows where heaven is
And what, through sex and drugs, he missed
The joy the world’s been giving’s fake

Now heaven is a place,
Not just some happy haze
And darkness is a realm he has to light

‘Cause Billy’s been way too lost
And one Man’s life was the price it cost
Just so he could go and make things right

Got his guitar and made some noise
With a spirit, free, and an awesome voice
Music was now praise, no longer words of a liar

And the people woke up and saw Billy’s stance
And though still afraid, taking the chance
The darkness that was, now lit with fire

They danced and sang ‘til sunrise
Worshipping the God who had paid the price
And led them out of the streets of dementia

And they were born the second time
With blood cleaning through their hearts of grime
For the Lord was also the Jesus of Suburbia

Manika

2010-06-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

Manika akong tawagin
Ng iyong mga kaibigan
Sa tuwing ako ay dadalhin
Doon sa lumang palaruan

"Hindi, kaibigan siya!"
'Yun ang lagi mong katwiran
Alala ko'y umiyak ka pa
'Nung sila ay nagtawanan

Ayos lang naman sa atin
Kahit 'di sila kasama
Masaya ka naman sa akin
At mahal naman kita

Ako'y iniingatan
At binibihisan pa
Madalas mo pang titigan
Bughaw kong mga mata

Sa iyong pagtulog
Ako'y iyong tinatabi
Iniingatang 'wag mahulog
Sa gitna ng gabi

Manika din akong tawagin
Ng batang nakilala mo
Isang lalaking papansin
Na parang may gusto sa'yo

Binali niya ang aking braso
Hinila ang aking buhok
Pinunit niya ang aking baro
Hinampas-hampas pa ng sandok

Nagalit ka dahil nasira
Akong munti mong kaibigan
Ngunit imbis na ibasura
Agad mo pa akong inayusan

Itinabi mo pa sa pagtulog
Sa iyong paghimbing
Hinalikan pa ang noo
Nang ikaw na ay gumising

Lumipas ang ilang taon
At nag-iba ka na
Hindi ka na tulad noon
Na laging masaya

At 'nung nagsawa ka na sa akin
Ako'y iniwan mo na lamang
Manika mo na rin akong tawagin
Subalit dati'y kaibigan

Sumama ka sa kanya
Sa lalaking nakilala mo
Na nagsabing, "Mahal kita"
Ngunit 'di naman totoo

Binabali ang iyong braso
Hinihila ang 'yong buhok
Pinupunit ang 'yong baro
Hinahampas pa ng sandok

Kaya sa dati mong tahanan
Ikaw nga ay umuwi
Hinanap ang 'yong kaibigan
Na iniwan mong sawi

Lumabas na ang iyong supling
Makalipas ang mga buwan
Ano kayang itatawag sa'kin,
Manika o kaibigan?

Ngunit kahit ano pa
Sana'y 'wag niya akong iwanan
Kung makatagpo ng ligaya't
Babalik lang 'pag kagipitan.

image from http://fc36.deviantart.com/fs23/i/2007/360/0/4/Doll_Picture_by_hanna_Aris.png

Hesitations

2010-06-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

Your smiles are getting to me, they're better than before
Your words are swimming through my veins, reaching to the core
You're probably just joking or just passing the time
No one could ever love me, I am out of my mind

Sometimes I try to imagine life if there was you and me
It's just infatuation, I guess dreaming should be free
But then I feel them once again, all the bruises that she dealt
And so I just stop my dreaming and just watch myself melt

Couldn't give you a heart that's dead and forgotten
Uninspired and numb, and hopelessly broken
I'd nurse it with my songs and poems, but that was before
I couldn't sing or write about her, it only hurts more

I wouldn't want to have you with me just so I could feel better
Maybe when I'm just as free as you, and we're a little bit older
Have me as a whole, not just a portion of what's working
'Til then, could we be friends until we see that there's something?

Because I'm still going through these things, I'm still torn apart
I'm still picking up the fallen fragments of my broken heart
Surely I'll get over these and be with you eventually
But maybe, for the time being, could you just wait for me?

Iingatan Mo Siya Lagi

2010-06-18T22:49:00.000-07:00

Iingatan mo siya lagi
Bigyang ngiti ang kanyang labi
Sagutin mo siya agad kapag tumawag siya sa'yo

Damayan mo 'pag badtrip
Samahan mo sa field trip
'Wag mong pababayaang maligaw o mabato

Aliwin mo 'pag malungkot
Yakapin mo 'pag siya'y takot
At 'pag siya'y kakanta para sa'yo, pakinggan mo

Palagi mo siyang damayan
'Pag wala ang mga kaibigan
Bigyan mo ng pansin kapag meron siyang gusto

Ipikit mo ang kanyang mga mata
Tabihan mo na rin kaya siya
Yakapin at sabihing, "May nagmamahal sa'yo."

Dahil tao lang ako
Hindi Diyos na gaya mo
Walang akong mabibigay na 'di galing sa'yo

Kung meron man siyang makilala
Ikaw na rin ang bahala
Sumaya lang siya, okey na rin ako

Salamat na lang doon sa oras
Na napanis at lumipas
At least may natutunan rin ako.

Hindi sa'kin umiikot ang mundo.

Ang Pinakabitter na Tula Ever

2010-06-18T22:43:00.001-07:00

Alam mo ba ang pakiramdam ng umibig at iwanan
At pagkatapos paasahin bigla ka lang kalilimutan?
'Wag kang mag-alala, aking ilalarawan
At pagkatapos mong basahin, try mo ring maramdaman

Parang kinalawang na kwintas na pinakintab ng kay tagal
Na hindi na nga isinuot, itnapon pa sa kanal
Parang pusang isang tao't limang buwan mong inalagaan
Nung pinahiram mo sa iba, saka pa siya nasagasaan

Parang jeep na ang bagal mapuno 'dun sa sakayan
Na kung kailan napuno ay saka pa nasiraan
Parang bulag na nakakita habang tumatawid siya
Bago hagipin ng trak sa may gitna ng kalsada

Parang kaning tinabi pero napanis nang tuluyan
Parang singer na sikat na kinanser sa lalamunan
Pinulot mo ang puso ko nang minsang nalaglag
Sinabit mo naman sa kisame't ginawa pang punching bag

Kaya sana maisip mo, kahit bago ka matulog
Kung 'di ka naghukay, hindi na sana ako nahulog
Hindi na sana ako umepal sa perpekto mong mundo
Kung 'di ka nagpahabol, hindi na sana tumakbo

Sana alam mo na ang pakiramdam ng umibig at iwanan
At pagkatapos paasahin bigla ka lang kalilimutan
'Wag kang mag-alala, ito'y lilipas din naman.
Kaya basahin mo na lang, 'wag mo na sanang maranasan

Plea To The Romantic

2010-06-14T18:41:00.001-07:00

Love the lady for her tears, not just for her smile
Love her for years, not just for a while
Don't love her like the fall, with hues and colors ever-changing
Love her always, like the wind, with the promise of returning

Love the lady for her heart and not just for her skin
Love her to the end, not just for how she's been
Don't love her like the winter, cold and unforgiving
Love her always, like the sky, through the night and through the morning

Love the lady for her sight, not just for her eyes
Love her with whole truth, not just with your lies
Don't love her like the spring, with it's youth ever-fading
Love her always, like the air, forever by her, for her taking

Love the lady for her flaws, not just her beauty
Love her her when she's lost, not just when she's lonely
Don't love her like the summer, warm and yet fleeting
Love her always, like a fire, forever tender, forever burning

Seasons come and seasons leave
And when they're gone, can't be retrieved
Don't love her like the seasons, for they are near and yet so far
Love her always, like she does for you, from where she is to where you are.

Bayan Ko

2010-06-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

Ang bayan kong Pilipinas
Lupain ng mga pinunong huwad
Takot na tinig ay ipahayag
Sa katarungan ay naduduwag

Tinapon, dating yumi at ganda
Upang dayuhan ay mahalina
Bayan, ninakawan ka
Ibinalik sa'yong dusa

Ibon ma'y lumaya't lumipad
Kung 'di naman ganap ay iiyak
Ginapos at binali ang pakpak
Sa mga buwaya'y 'di makapalag

Pilipinas kong minumutya
Pugad ng mga maralita
Aking adhika
Makita kang sakdal laya

image from http://d.yimg.com/a/p/rids/20100612/i/r104841345.jpg

Araw ng Kalayaan

2010-06-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

Minsan, may isang mayna na kinulong ng isang sundalo sa isang hawla sa labas ng kanyang kampo upang gawing pampalipas oras. Sa tuwing tinatamad ang sundalo, mumurahin nito ang mayna at matatawa sa tuwing uulitin ng ibon ang bawat sinasabi niya. Maraming pagkain sa kampo ng sundalo, noong unang mga araw ay nararamdaman panahon, hindi na siya binigyan ng pagkain ng sundalo, at kung bibigyan man siya ay kapiranggot lang.

Nagsimulang magalit ang mayna. Sa tuwing may sasabihin ang kanyang amo ay hindi niya ito sasagutin, ngunit pagsapit ng gabi, isisigaw nito ang mga murang sinasabi ng sundalo sa tuwing ito’y matutulog. Dahil sadyang malupit, hindi siya iniinda ng sundalo, dahilan para mas magwala ang mayna.

Narinig ng isang agila ang mayna, kaya’t naisipang puntahan ito. “Bakit kaibigan?” tanong ng agila. “Anong problema?”

“Hindi na kasi ako pinapakain ng amo ko,” sagot ng mayna. “Gusto ko lang ng pagkain.”

“Bakit hindi ka gumaya sa akin? Malaya ako kaya’t nakukuha ko ang gusto ko. Kahit kanino. Sa mga tao, sa mga ibong mas mahihina sa akin. Hari nga ang tawag sa akin e.” pagmamayabang naman ng agila.

“Pero hindi ako marunong mangdagit ng kahit ano!” daing ng mayna. “Ang kaya ko lang gawin ay gayahin ang mga sinasabi sa akin.”

“Kung ganoon, tuturuan kita,” sabi ng nagmamalaking na agila. “Gayahin mo ako at malayo ang mararating mo.”

Pinakawalan ng agila ang mayna at nagsimulang maglakbay ng magkasama. Kinuha nila ang kanilang mga pangangailangan sa kahit saang marating nila. Sa mga tao, sa ibang mga hayop, sa mga mas mahihinang ibon. ‘Di nagtagal, kinatakutan na rin ang mayna dahil sa kasama niya laging agila.

“Kaibigan,” sabi ng agila isang araw. “Kilalang-kilala ka na sa buong kagubatan. Hindi ka man kasing gilas at kasing dakila ko ay kaya mo nang mabuhay mag-isa. Tunay ka na ngang malaya.”

Natuwa ang mayna at umalis na sa pugad ng agila. Noong una’y kinaya ng mayna ang mag-isa, ngunit noong napansin ng mg nilalang sa kagubatan na hindi na niya kasama ang malaking agila ay hindi na rin siya kinatakutan. Napagod siya sa kaiikot sa kagubatan, ngunit wala na siyang ibang magawa.

Nagutom muli ang mayna kaya nagpasya siyang bumalik sa kampo ng sundalo dahil doon ay maraming pagkain. Naisip niya na mas madaling makakuha ng pagkain sa paggaya sa mga sinasabi ng sundalo, kaysa maghanap ng pagkain mag-isa. Naisip niya rin na kapag tulog na ang sundalo, pwede na lang siyang magnakaw mula sa kanyang amo, dahil tinuruan siya ng agila kung paano.

Lumipas ang panahon at nairaos ng mayna ang kanyang buhay. Binisita siya ng kanyang kaibigang agila na ngayo’y matanda na, at hindi na kasing gilas noon. “Kaibigan?” tawag ng agila. “Bakit nariyan kang muli sa iyong hawla?”

“Mas madali ang buhay kapag ganito. Binibigyan niya ako ng pagkain sa tuwing gagayahin ko siya, at nananakawan ko naman siya sa kanyang pagtulog. Hindi ko na kailangang lumipad. Nakakapagod.”

“Noong una kitang makita dito ay isa kang alipin, ngunit ngayo’y isa ka na ring magnanakaw,” tugon ng agila. “At ikaw ang pinakamalalang magnanakaw, hindi mo ginagamit ang iyong sariling lakas, sa halip ay kinukuha mo ang tiwala ng tao at saka siya pagnanakawan. Ang tangi mo lang alam ay manggaya, magnakaw at manggamit. Hindi mo alam ang tunay na ibig sabihin ng malaya, dahil umaasa ka palagi sa tulong ng iba!”

Napagtanto ng mayna na totoo ang sinabi ng agila. “Pawalan mo ko kaibigan,” hiling ng sawing ibon. “Pangako, magbabago na ako.”

Binuksan ng agila ang hawla, ngunit imbis na pakwalan ang mayna ay kinagat ng kanyang tuka ang leeg nito at tinuka-tuka ang mata hanggang mamatay.
Pinagaspas ng agila ang kanyang pakpak at sinabing, “Bakit sa tingin mo ako nagpunta rito? Para kausapin ang isang walang kwentang ibong gaya mo? Walang sariling dangal? Walang sariling pangalan? Matanda na ako at mahina na. Nalalagpasan na ako ng ibang mga mas batang ibon. Nauunahan na nila ako sa pagkuha ng pagkain. Kaya ngayon, nandito ako upang kainin ka!”

Humiyaw ng humiyaw sa sakit ang mayna. Sigaw niya ang mga murang natutunan sa sundalo, umaasang magigising ito upang iligtas siya. Ngunit huli na ang lahat. Ang mayna, na walang ibang alam kundi gayahin ang mga maling pamamaraan sa pananalita at paggawa ng iba ay pira-pirasong nahimlay sa loob ng tiyan ng agila. At sa kagubatan, walang nakaalala sa kanya. Dahil wala siyang sariling pangalan. Wala siyang sariling napatunayan.

At ni minsan, hindi niya nalaman ang ibig sabihin ng tunay na kalayaan.

image from http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_g6dTBBu1LG4/RmZ80qxDF8I/AAAAAAAABe4/5XodLYJhEyU/s200/myna.jpg

Sweet Dorothy

2010-06-08T01:37:00.000-07:00

Old yellow bricks on the road we used to follow
I am your lion, your tin boy and scarecrow
A cowardly, heartless, senseless little fellow
And you hold the cure to my every aching sorrow

Wish I could be brave like the ones in other tails
Guard you from the witches haunting our trails
I am your cowardly lion, frail and unwilling
To be with you's my only reason to carry on, believing.

If only I had a heart I would have given it to you
If the heavens gave me love, I swear it would be true
I am your tin boy, knight in shining distress
You wind me up when I run out of feelings to express.

Full of questions, of confusion, but none of sense
You could've sworn you've never met anyone as dense
I am your brainless scarecrow, who doesn't have a single clue
But nothing else really matters, nothing but the thought of you.

And now you wave goodbye, my sweet little Dorothy
Leaving me with thoughts and feelings I dare not see
Why give me a new mind, a new heart and bravery,
If you'll end up far away? If you're not here with me?

I watch the night turn the old yellow bricks to blue,
With my mind, I dream of things we used to say and do
With my heart, I seal my feelings to be true
Without fear I tread the path, the yellow path that leads to you.

http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2006/12/23/cmWIZARD_wideweb__470x420,0.jpg

Tugon Kay Makata

2010-05-29T01:41:00.001-07:00

Mahal, kay init ng iyong mga kamay
Kahit pa puno ng kalyo at mistulang latay,
Habang binabasa ang alay mong tula
Ang mga matang saksi'y natakasan ng luha

Tinawid mo na ang dagat at tumungo sa papawirin
Upang mag-alay ng mga perlas at kislap ng bituin
Pagod at hapo nga'y hindi mo ininda
Ngunit kung ito lamang ang pag-ibig, tatagal ka ba?

Mahal,'wag mabahala't 'di ko hanap ang mga rosas,
Sapat na sa'kin ang mahawi ng 'yong prinsipyo't oras
Itinago ko pa, sinta, ang una mong likha
Hawak ko sa aking puso ang bawat salita.

Hindi ako magsasawang tignan ang 'yong mukha
Dahil ang pagod at hapo'y hindi ko alintana
Hiyang pa rin sa'yong mata, ilang guhit man ang puminta
Basta't sa pagdaan ng pagtanda, ako pa rin ang 'yong kasama.

Mahal, 'di ko kailangan ng pilak o tanso,
Ang 'yong ngiti'y aking diyamante, at ang puso mo'y ginto
Sapat na ang mga salitang sa akin ay humahalik,
Mga munting ilaw mong handog, sa aking daan pabalik.

Author's note: Ang tula ay tugon sa makata ni Chenyi, isang kaibigan. Bisitahin niyo naman ang kanyang blog pindutin lamang ang litrato.

Not Another Essay About Fairy Tales and Lies (e.g. Love)

2010-05-29T01:16:00.000-07:00

I’ve reviewed the essays I’ve done about love. All I can say is that I’m such a wise-ass.

I guess I should say sorry to everyone who believed the things I said about love. I had no idea what the hell I was talking about. Maybe my perspective was blurred that I saw love as a perfect, beautiful whatever, when it’s really just… well, it’s just blurred.

Maybe half of the things that I’ll say today are inaccurate, self-centered, melodramatic bullshit so just cut me some slack if you don’t like what I’m saying or you like what I said before better. Frankly, I’m not that sure whether or not I’d still want to do this. Maybe I’m just an idiot. Maybe I’m just lonely. Or maybe I’m just both.

I got my heart broken again last month. It took me weeks to get my act together, I even got sick. I couldn’t write about it. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I couldn’t trust words. I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t trust anybody or anything. I even forgot about the Lord. It’s like I turned my back on life, because life let me down.

I’m much better now. Maybe it’s because God loves sorry losers like me.

It’s hard to find someone to talk to, and by talking I mean the sentimental, no-nonsense type of talk. People hate talking seriously. Actually, people hate taking anything seriously, especially girls. Conversations, relationships, problems, life… they just dissolve anyway, so maybe it’s better to just take them lightly. Not that I’m saying it’s right. It’s just true.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve nothing against girls. I used to I used to have a girl best friend, but I guess she took a vacation. Maybe she needed a life away from stress; away from me. I miss her, but I guess it would be too selfish to chase her just because I’m lonely. Maybe I’ll visit her sometime, probably when I have more cheerful stories to tell her. I like her better when she’s happy. That’s why I guess it’s better for her not to talk to me from time to time. Especially when I’m depressed.

I don’t enjoy being lonely as much as people think I do. I actually loathe it. I don’t appreciate it when people say I’m always sad, it’s like they’re saying I like being sad when I really don’t. I try to adjust, I try to smile and I try not to complicate things. The one thing I hate about people is that they give too much time ignoring and writing off people who are lonely, instead of giving them a sense of belonging. It was never a sin to cry.

When you’re heartbroken, it’s like every story you read about love is a fairy tale, and every line you hear from a love song is a lie. You feel cheated, as if the universe is conspiring to make you feel worse. You look for someone else to hold on to, and yet someone else is never good enough. You try to win the person you love back, and yet you’re never good enough for that person. It’s the down side of love: the hurt that comes from hoping. Not that I’m saying it’s right. It’s just true.

People change when they fall in love. They also change when they fall out of it. People always change, and sometimes those changes aren’t for the better, especially when they hurt. That’s why people pretend that change is good. Because they hate it, but can’t stop it.

Maybe the things I said before are true; I just don’t want to believe them now. Maybe I’m afraid to believe again in true love, destiny or the other things that keep on letting me down. I don’t want to hope for someone again… yet. I want to trust people again. Not because of the hope that someday someone will love me back the way I want someone to, but because they deserve my trust. Like my favorite teacher said, “People (however twisted and evil they maybe and despite the fact that they hate my guts) are all we have.”

I still believe that love is out there. I guess no matter what hurt false hope may bring I’ll always believe in love. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if it’s a feeling, a verb or a person. I’ll just know it when it’s there. Maybe because God is good, even when everybody else sucks.

Love doesn’t hurt, it’s just hard to recognize. It's really just… well, it’s just blurred.

Drama Boy

2010-05-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

Maghapong tulala
Nakatitig sa wala
Scuba diving sa luha
Wala namang isda

Paborito niyang libangan
Magmukmok sa higaan
Mga bestfriend, katambayan
Kumot at unan.

Wala nang nangangamusta
Wala nang nag-aabala
Sa'n na kaya sila napunta?
Nakapagtataka.

Hindi na makaahit
Hindi na makaawit
Ba't kaya biglang pumangit
Pati ang kulay ng langit?

Mapait na ang sweet
Dating friendly, ngayon masungit
Nasisiraan ng bait
Nasaan na ang kulit?

Hindi na makarelate
Ang sakiting underweight
Ang sagot, hindi maformulate
At ang pag-ibig? It's too late.

Pero gusto niya pa ring maniwala
Sa mga pelikula't tula
Na tungkol sa tadhana
Kahit wala nang mapala

Kung siya'y iyong kaibigan
Pwede bang pakitulungan
Kasi parang ang kapalaran
Isa na lamang kalokohan.

Never There

2010-05-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

I flew with you once
With your eyes closed
So what I saw, you didn't see.

But you felt the wind
Rush through your smile
It was good enough for me.

I sang you a song
From a mile away
So what I said, you didn't hear.

I sang it again,
This time, to myself
But the words are not as clear.

I gave you my heart
But your hands were full
So I put it in your pocket.

And I hoped to God
Someday you'll find
The time to maybe touch it.

And alas, you left
Without a sound
And here alone,
Without a heart

I wrote you a poem
But the paper is blank
Because I've nothing left to say.

To make you see
To make you hear
To make you feel how I feel today.

I miss my heart
But I miss you more
And I wished that you would care

I wish that you'd see
Hear and feel me
'Cause it seemed you were never there.

The Boy Who Runs

2010-05-07T02:24:00.000-07:00

And so it ended.

You see, they had this promise; it was brilliant to say the least, but there was just one problem: it involved waiting for the right time, and the guy was impatient.

The last scene the girl could remember when they split up, he was running away. Literally. She felt a stream of cars running past her, each one seemingly over speeding, while he was becoming smaller and more distant. Well, perhaps it’s both literally and metaphorically speaking. To her, the world was spinning too fast, getting smaller with every second, suffocating her, while the guy was just running away and moving farther from her, her world constricting her, and all the hurt he’s left.

The boy, on the other hand, didn’t want to remember anything from what happened. It would just tear him apart to hear the details, and the memory would just lead him to remember smaller memories: the more precious ones. Those memories would then lead him to thinking he would give anything he could give away just so he could have her back, and it would be alright to have nothing else but her: the best things in life are overpriced.

The girl went to her friends. Before him leaving, that was originally the plan. They were supposed to have lunch when the boy suddenly appeared from nowhere, to tell her that he’s miserable, at least that was what she thought. It’s good to have her friends around; at least she’s safe from all the insecurities being alone has to offer. She’s away from the boy. Away from the cars that sped through her. She isn’t alone. Not like the boy.

Loneliness was never a stranger for the boy. In fact, insecurity and he are almost friends: almost, but not really. The boy doesn’t have many friends. He doesn’t know how to keep friends, and he doesn’t know how to be a good one either. He finds it hard to trust people, for half of the times they let him down. One of the biggest mysteries in life is how come there are many people who think they can help, but the second they realize they can’t, they just evaporate and say everything’s going to be okay. The boy thinks that if you really want everything to be alright, you have to move. You have to make them alright. But now the least he could do is think; now there was nothing else to do but run.

With great responsibility comes great distraction. Perhaps the boy was just a distraction, the girl was thinking as she did her daily job of… doing things. Whatever she did, she was good at it. She always had fun and she doesn’t let anything get in the way. She’s never alone so she’s never afraid. She always has someone to cheer her up and say everything’s going to be alright and, unlike the boy, that was enough for her.

The boy kept running. He was at it for hours. Sometimes he looks back, only to see that the girl isn’t chasing her. A part of him says that wished she would chase him, so he could stop running. But she isn’t. Still he runs, until some wall blocks his path. Or maybe not. Maybe he’ll climb through the wall and keep running. Maybe he’ll just go another way. Something’s chasing him. And that something’s too damn fast.

Running. The girl wonders how it feels. She also wonders why the boy always runs. That wasn’t the first time he ran away from her. Is there something wrong with him? With herself? She asked herself where the boy might end up with his running. He might get hurt. He might get lost. She became scared. It’s all because of her, she says. If some bad thing happens to the boy, she’d have all the blame. She had to hold her thoughts though, there was so much left to do. And the boy was distracting him again.

If anything bad happens to me, good, the boy thought. He thought of jumping off a bridge, but only when he’s already passed one. He thinks of crossing a road so a truck would run him over, but he only crosses roads when the lights are red. One moment, he’s desperate to die because it hurts him so much to think that the girl’s left him, but another he’s afraid of going. He thinks of the things he’ll never see again. The people he’ll never get to be with again. Then he thinks of the place he’ll end up, and the people he’ll see there. Finally, he thinks of the girl. He’ll never get to apologize. He’ll never get to tell her he’s sorry for running away. Then again, she might actually like the thought of him dying. Maybe it’s some sort of conspiracy between her and the world, just so he could die. Or maybe he was just tired of running.

She said she loved him, he just had to wait. Maybe she should’ve said that she wasn’t sure about what she felt and she doesn’t want to think of it for the time being. Though it would hurt him more, it’s much true. Maybe he knew that she was lying, she thought. Maybe that’s why he ran away.

The boy stopped running. He decided to walk back. He needs to find the girl. He needs to show her that he’s fine. He needs to lie and say that everything’s going to be alright, even though he can’t do anything about it. He would tell her that he loves her, if only he wasn’t afraid that she may not reply the same. Maybe that’s why he keeps running all the time. He’s afraid of what he feels. He’s afraid of what he might say. He might hurt people. He might lie. He’s afraid that he couldn’t do anything to make everything alright.

The girl left everything she had to do. She decided to run. She needs to chase the boy. She needs to stop him from running before he hurts himself. Or maybe it’s the running that keeps on hurting him. Moreover, she needs to tell him she’s sorry because she was afraid to tell the truth. And when she finally tells him, she’ll say sorry because the truth hurt him. And so she ran. Even though she didn’t know how far he got to.

All this time, he was running from himself. And he didn’t even know it. He walked to where he left her standing with the cars that sped through her. And he stopped. He sat by the sidewalk, watching the highway. The cars were slower. The world was. It surely is whenever you’re waiting.

She ran to the place where she promised him love that wasn’t real and where he ran away. She found him sitting on the sidewalk, watching the highway. And she sat beside him.

He ran because he was afraid.

She ran because she was guilty.

And the moment stood by as they said nothing.

Perhaps the world was running away too. Maybe it’s too guilty to tell them the truth, like her.

Or maybe it’s too afraid to do anything to make everything better, like him.

But never mind the world.

They were sitting there, without fear or guilt or thoughts.

And something tells them everything’s going to be alright.

They just have to believe it.

Flowers, Letters, and Sweets

2010-05-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

when i was a kid

i wrote about love

as if it was a stranger

because i never understood

flowers, letters, and sweets

the way older kids did

because then i haven't felt it

but i wished i would someday

then i would write again.

then some years after

i wrote again about love

it wasn't much of a stranger

because then i understood

flowers, letters, and sweets

the way older kids were supposed to

because then i fell in love

but i wished some girl would too

then i would write again.

then on Valentine's day

i wrote again about love

'cause i wanted to know it better

if it could really exist

without flowers, letters, and sweets

because older kids had hands to hold

but all they cared about were gifts

so i looked for a girl who'll love me for free

then i would write again.

then the moment i found her

i wrote again about love

because i'm alive when we're together

and there was nothing else but her

no flowers, letters, and sweets

and the older kids were jealous

because they were all so vain

but the love that i found was bliss

so i wrote, and wrote again.

when she got tired of reading

i wrote again about love

how i'm alive when we're together

only now, i had enclosed

flowers, letters, and sweets

for she's become an older kid

and love isn't enough anymore

when she left, i promised myself

that i would never write again.

and now breaking my promise

i wrote again about love

as if it's forever a stranger

because i'll never understand

flowers, letters, and sweets

'cause everybody's growing up

but i'm just getting older

but i still wish i would feel it

one last time

and maybe i would write again.

Street Art

2010-04-29T19:12:00.000-07:00

Sa kahabaan ng España sa Maynila, kung saan laging trapik at mausok, madalas dumagdag sa init ng panahon ang init ng ulo ng mga motorista. Mainit na nga kasi, ‘di pa kanais-nais ang mga makikita mo sa paligid. Unless hobby mong magbasa ng mga posters ng pulitiko at titigan ang mga pinotoshop nilang mga pagumukha, hindi ka talaga masyadong magiging masaya sa mga makikita mo, sa mga batang madudungis na tumatakbo sa gitna ng kalsada, mga maliliit na tambak ng basurang nakasandal sa mga pader na may nakasulat na “Bawal magtapon ng basura dito” at mga tinder sa sidewalk na nakikipagpatintero sa mga lumalabas na tao sa mga bus.

Sa kabutihang palad, sa tulong ng mga malilikhaing kamay ng mga tinatawag na street artists ay medyo nagkakaroon naman ng konting kaligayahan ang mga commuters habang naghihintay umusad ang mga pagong na sasakyan sa daan. Imbis na pula, berde, pink at asul lang, marami pang ibang mga kulay ang idinadagdag nila sa mga buhay ng mga commuter araw-araw. Sa mga pader na yero ng construction site, at sa iba pang mga pangit na unmaintained na pader ng Maynila, makikita mo ang mga street paintings na gawa ng mga taong hindi bayad at hindi nanunumbat dahil may ginagawa sila para mapaganda at makapagpasaya ng mga taong hindi naman nila hihingan ng boto, ‘di katulad ng iba na kahit kaunting bagay na lang ang nagawa, magpapagawa pa ng mga higanteng poster para i-advertise ang sarili. Minsan nga mas mahal pa ‘yung pa-tarpaulin sa mismong ginamit sa proyekto e… At pera pa ng bayan ang gumastos para sa pareho.

Ang nakakalungkot, kawang-gawa na nga kung iisipin ang ginagawa ng mga taong ito para sa ikagaganda ng lugar at ikauunlad ng artistic taste mga tao sa paligid, sila pa ang kinukundena ng ilan. Bakit? Simple lang. Vandalismo daw ‘yun.

Vandalismo. Vandalism. Kung hindi ka pa nakakapasok sa eskwelahan, malamang hindi ka pamilyar dito. Ito ‘yung pamabababoy sa kapaligiran sa pamamagitan ng pagdungis, pagsira, o ‘di kaya nama’y pagdidikit ng mga bagay ng walang pahintulot. Siguro naman nakadaan ka na sa mga overpass, kung saan may mga nakaspray-paint na propaganda laban sa gobyerno sa pader at nakasulat sa tabi ang pangalan ng partylist na gumawa ‘nun. ‘Yun ang vandalismo. Vandalismo din ‘yung pagbabasag sa mga ilaw ng Nagtahan Bridge at pagkuha dun sa mga bumbilyang nagpapalit-palit ng kulay. Isa ring halimbawa ang pagtatayo ng mga tindahan sa mga sidewalk at pagtatayo ng mga bahaysa private property, pero hindi ‘yun kinokonsidera ngayon kasi bumoboto din ang mga sidewalk entrepreneurs (illegal vendors) at informal settlers (illegal squatters).

Napakastrikto at matalino ng pamahalaang Pilipino sa pagpapatupad ng mga batas laban sa vandalism. Halimbawa na lamang ang pagdidikit ng mga sticker sa poste at pader ng “Bawal magdikit dito” at ang maagap na hindi pagpansin sa mga lumalabag sa batas. Napakalaking tulong din ang magagandang halimbawa ng mga pinuno ng bansa at local na pamunuan, lalo na kapag eleksyon! Pinapaganda nila ang mga poste at puno sa pamamagitan ng pagsasabit at pagdidikit ng mga campaign poster at stickers nila sa tabi ng mga sumabit na saranggola at nillipad na sinampay. O diba? Kung di ba naman mga GENIUS!!!

Ang mahirap kasi sa mga Pilipino e mahilig tayong magkahon ng mga bagay. Dahil lang nagdodrowing ka sa pader, nagvavandal ka na. Kung tutuusin, dapat nga bumilib ka pa sa mga taong nagpupumilit magtiis at pagandahin ang mg pader na pinapanghi na ng isang milyong taong umihi ‘dun at pinadumi na ng isang bilyong taong nagtapon ng basura ‘dun e. Nakuntento na tayo’t nasanay sa pambababoy ng mga taong ayaw nating pansinin na kapag may nakita tayong iba, o ‘di kaya’y bago, tataasan kaagad natin ng kilay bago alamin kung para saan.

Hindi totoong walang pinag-aralan ang mga Pilipino, ‘di katulad ng mga sinasabi ng ilang komedyanteng patawa na ‘di naman sikat. Ang totoo niyan, may malalaki tayong mga utak. Utak-talangka nga lang. Kapag may isang gumalaw para iangat ang antas ng pamumuhay sa bansang ito, may mas maraming manghihila pababa. Bakit? Kasi sanay na tayo. Sanay na tayo sa mga mapanghing pader, sa mga propaganda sa overpass, sa mga basag na ilaw sa tulay, sa mga squatter, sa mga illegal vendor, sa mga poster ng mga pulitikong wala sa hulog, sa mga poster ng mga pulitikong wala naming ginagawa at sa panlalait sa kapwa. Kapag may sumubok gumawa ng paraan, pagdududahan natin. Kapag walang kumilos, magpoprotesta tayo. O ‘di ba? Bayanihan!

Marami ngayong masusing pinipili ang iboboto nila dahil sabi ay ito na lang ang magagawa natin para sa ating bansa. Pero kung magmamasid ka lang, makikita mo ang mga problema. May mga yerong kinakalawang lang sa ulan na pangit tignan. May mga batang ipinapanganak na ang alam lang sa sining ay matatagpuan lang ito sa mga museum, at iginuhit ng mga taong hindi naman nila kilala.

Marami tayong iba pang mga problema bukod sa kahirapan. Hindi man sila national crisis, at hindi man sila kasing-nakakamatay, pero hindi ibig sabihin ay hindi mo na sila papansinin. May tungkulin ka pa bukod sa pumili ng mga taong mamumuno sa pag-ahon ng bansa mo.

Kaya mo ring gumalaw ng walang hinihintay na kapalit, kahit walang gustong tumulong.

Una

2010-04-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

Una mo siyang makita
Nakablusa at palda
Una mo siyang nakilala,
Unang araw ng eskwela

Hindi ka niya sinita
Dahil hindi ka niya kilala
Pero noon pa lang ay tila ba alam mo na.

Gusto mo na siya.

Merong kakaiba
Sa mga tsokolate niyang mata
Sa pagngiti
Sa pagtawa
Sa marami pang iba

Nakita mo muli siya
Nakapulang bistida
Lumiliwanag sa ganda,
Iba nga lang ang kasama

Hindi ka niya sinita
Dahil masyadong abala
Upang pansinin ang lumuluha mong mata.

Masyado siyang masaya.

At masyadong maganda
Ang mga tsokolate niyang mata
Ang pagngiti
Ang pagtawa
Upang iyong sirain pa

Minsan pa, siya ay nakita
Namumula ang mga mata
Umiiyak dahil sa sinta
Iniwanan na raw siya

Pinunasan mo ang kanyang luha
sa pisngi't sa mga mata
At halong awa at ligaya ang iyong nadama

Noong niyakap ka niya.

Nabura sa iyong gunita
Ang mga tsokolate niyang mata
Ang pagngiti
Ang pagtawa
Nalusaw ang lahat sa init niya.

Huli mo siyang nakita
Nakasuot ng maskara
Nagpapanggap na masaya
Habang kapiling ka

Dahil ayaw niyang iyong mahalata
Na hindi ka sapat para kanyang ikatuwa
Kahit kita mo naman sa kanyang mga salita

At sa kanyang paglililo

Na hindi sa iyo laan
Ang mga tsokolate niyang mata
Ang pagngiti
Ang pagtawa
At ang oras niyong magkasama.

Hanggang magsawa't bumalik ang dati
Kung saan malayo ka na lang nagmamasid
Hindi ka na muli niya nakikita
At hindi mo na rin uli siya kilala

Kapag Wala Ka Na

2010-04-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

Mas mahirap ang bumangon sa umaga
Kapag sumagi sa isipang wala ka na pala
Kinatok ko ang bunbunan kung merong ligaya,
Ngunit walang sumasagot.

Parang sakit ang dumapo nang maghiwalay ng landas
Ang puso, ang utak, lahat namamanas
Pumunta ko sa tindahan upang bumili ng lunas
Ngunit wala silang gamot.

Kapag wala ka na, sinta
Saan ko hahanapin ang saya?
Ang mga matang nagsasabing
"Minamahal kita"?

Kapag wala ka na, sinta
Maaalala mo pa ba?
Ang saya, ang lungkot at ang lambing
Nung tayo'y magkapiling pa?

Mas mahirap makatulog sa gabi
Kapag nilusob ng luha at hikbi
Pinikit ko ang matang sandali
At dumalangin sa Maykapal

Na ang pait nitong pag-iisa
At ang sugat na iyong dala
Ay hindi na mas lumalimpa
At hindi rin magtagal

Kapag wala ka na, sinta
Sino nang magpapadala
Na mga mensaheng nagtatanong
"Nakakain ka na ba?"

Kapag wala ka na, sinta
Paano magsisimula
At paano kung malaman kong
Mayroon ka nang iba?

Magagalit ka ba sa akin
Kung akin mang bibilangin
Ang bawat oras na kait sa atin
Hanggang muli kang makasama?

Hanapin mo ang 'yong kailangan
Sulitin mo ang 'yong paglisan
Ako ay narito, naghihintay na muli kang mahagkan
Kapag wala ka na, sinta.

Krus

2010-04-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

Ako ay iyong buong-buo
Bawat hibla ng pagkatao
Bawat pagpikit ng mga mata
Bawat pagyapak ng mga paa

Iyo itong palad na ngayo'y nakatiklop
At ng mga tuhod na ngayo'y nakaluhod
Pati na ang isip na madalas kung maligaw
Na ngayon ay pilit kang tinitigna't tinatanaw

Dahil sa iyong binigay na kaligtasan
Hindi ko na kinakailangan pang masaktan
Hindi ko na kinakailangang sa krus ay magpapako
Binigay mo na sa akin ang kapayapaan ng puso

Ilang panata man ang bigyan kong katuparan
Hindi ko mabibili ang iyong dalang kaligtasan
Ba't ko pa paghihirapan ang matagal mo nang binigay?
Ligtas na ako sa'yo't may bago nang buhay.

Hindi mo naman hiningi sa aking magpakasakit ako,
Sadyain man o hindi, sasaktan ako ng mundo
Bakit ko pahihirapan ang katawang pahiram mo?
Hindi naman ito sa akin, ang katawan ko ay iyo!

Gamitin mo akong isang kasangkapan,
Ang kamay, ang paa, ang buo kong katawan
Makita nilang wala nang laman ang krus ng kalbaryo
Malaman nang sapat na sa lahat ang ginawa mo

Kasama na ako sa pagkapako mo noon
Kasama na rin ako sa pagkabuhay mo't pagbangon
Alam kong hindi ito ang nais mong masaksihan
Masakit para sa amang makita ang anak na nasasaktan.

Lucas 23:34
"Sinabi ni Jesus, 'Ama, patawarin mo sila, sapagkat hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa.'"

Payong

2010-03-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

Ako ay isang payong, isa lamang kasngkapan,
'Saka lang maaalala kung kailan may ulan;
'Saka lang mapapansing wala 'pag basa na ang daan,
'Saka lang hahanapin kung kailan nakalimutan.

At 'pag nabutas na't nasira ay wala na'kong silbi,
Hindi na rin mapapansin kapag may bago nang bili;
Ako'y isang payong, isang hamak na kasangkapan,
Hangad lang ay pag-ibig ngunit 'di mapagbigyan.

Pulang Liham ng Pag-ibig

2010-03-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

Araw ng mga puso't wala ka sa aking tabi,
Walang mapungay na mata't nagliliwaliw na labi;
Puno ng kasiyahan ang imbi nating mundo,
'Di man lang makatikim dahil sobrang layo mo.

Nalanta na ang rosas na dapat ay iaaabot,
Pati na ang tsokolate'y pumait na sa lungkot;
Kaunti pa't mapapanis din ang aking mga drama,
Pagkalunod sa The Bar at pagkasuka sa bintana.

Sa gabi ay hahagkan ko ang una't pipikit,
Ipipinta sa panaginip, mga natatanging saglit
ng mga pulang rosas, pulang liham ng pag-ibig
Habang kasama sa sarili nating daigdig.

Isang Ngiti Sa Iyong Simangot

2010-03-27T22:42:00.000-07:00

Gumaan ng kaunti ang aking likuran
Nung tayo'y nagpaalam at nagkanya-kanya ng daan
Isang ngiti sa'yong simangot ang aking sinukli
Kasabay ng 'sang pangako na makita kang muli.

Lumipad sabay ng ulap ang ating mga araw
Lumamig ang kasiyahan nang parang kaning bahaw
Hinahabol, hinahabol, umaasang maabutan
Pinaiinit, pinaiinit, para mamayang hapunan

Kaninang umaga'y napanaginipan kita
Isang luha ang sumirit sa aking mga mata
Nang matapos ang ilusyon at nagising sa katotohanan
sa panaginip ang ala-ala mo naman ang naiwan

Kailan kaya muling makikita't masasabi
Na wala na 'kong mahihiling kundi ikaw sa'king tabi
Na salamat sa lahat ng ating pinagsamahan
Na ikaw ang aking problema, at ikaw rin ang kasagutan.

Ngumiti ako sa'yong simangot nang aking naalala
Nung sinabi mong baka hindi na tayo muling magkasama
Isang ngiti sa'yong simangot ang aking sinukli
Kasabay ng 'sang pangako na makita kang muli.

Lobo

2010-02-18T00:23:00.000-08:00

Hawak-hawak nating dalawa ang lobo,
Sa tali'y nakakapit ang kamay mo at kamay ko;
Sumasayaw siya ng marahan sa ihip ng hangin,
Tulad ng pag-ibig ko sa'yo at pag-ibig mo sa akin?

Hindi ko alam kung ba't ba natin binili,
Nais lang namang subukan at tignan kung mawiwili;
Lumipas ang oras at nasanay tayong dalawa,
Hawak-hawak ang lobo na palagi nating kasama

Hanggang mangawit na lamang tayo at tuluyang bumitaw,
Sino bang nauna, ako ba o ikaw?
Tiningala natin ang lobo na sati'y kumawala,
Paliit nang paliit hanggang tuluyang mawala.

Hindi na nanghinayang at hindi na pinilit abutin,
'Di man lang natin sinubukang habulin;
Akala natin ay napakahalaga,
Kapag tayo'y nagsawa pababayaan rin pala.

Naalala kong muli ang minsang hawak nating lobo,
Nang tuluyang kumalas kamay mo sa kamay ko;
Saan na kaya siya nakarating at dinala ng hangin,
Tulad ng pag-ibig ko sa'yo at pag-ibig mo sa akin?

Kay Inay

2010-02-06T01:38:00.000-08:00

Inay, lumuha ka nanaman kagabi
Sa galit at pagod ay raming nasabi
Kalakip ng luha, tangis at hikbi
Mga salitang itinago sa labi

'Di ko man magawang maging katulad mo,
Na dugo't pawis ang alay sa trabaho;
'Nay mahal kita, lagi man akong bigo,
Mga tingin man nati'y hindi na nagtagpo.

'Nay mahal kita, lagi man akong inaantok,
At tuwing inuutusa'y naghihimutok;
Hindi man makahawak ng plantsa at sandok,
Ni malinis man lamang ang kuwarto kong bulok.

'Nay mahal kita, kahit 'di na halata,
Hindi ko man masabi't nahihiyang magsalita;
Hindi ko na mabilang ang iyong mga nagawa,
Kung susukatin ko'y 'di matatapos ang tula.

'Nay mahal kita, 'san man ako mapadpad,
Ang pangako ko mang magbago ay hindi ko matupad;
Ilang milyong salamat ma'y hindi pa sasapat,
Ito'y mga salita lang, 'binigay mo ang lahat.

Ikaw

2010-01-31T02:49:00.001-08:00

Ikaw ang tulang hindi ko maisulat,
Ang kantang hindi ko maawit;
Ang kwentong walang pamagat,
Na sa utak ko'y paulit-ulit.

Ikaw ang dramang di natatapos,
Ang patawang 'di mabura sa utak;
Ikaw ang parusang saki'y gumagapos
At ang premyo sa timpalak

Hindi kita mahawakan,
Mabigyang-kahulugan;
Hindi ko alam kung paano,
O kung ano ang dahilan.

Basta't ikaw ang hinahanap ko,
Hinahabol, ngunit di mapagod sa takbo;
Ikaw ang langit dito sa lupa,
At ako ang saranggolang hindi makawala.

Teacher

2010-01-27T00:35:00.000-08:00

You've held me up when I was down
And gave me reasons not to frown
But what did I gain with you're concern?
I've found out that I've so much to learn.

I know a lot about you: You told me, remember?
You say a great deal about yourself whenever we're together;
You said I was a gem, a rock and a rare find,
Though I never really told you what was weighing on my mind.

Teacher, I beg of you, I'm ready to receive,
Teach me how to smile in this life that I live;
Teach me how to wait for the proper place and time
When sleeping is no sin and loving is no crime.

Teach me to be silent whenever I don't speak,
Teach me to be strong whenever I am weak;
Teach me to be prudent, teach me how to laugh,
Tell me if my dreams are naive or high enough.

I want to know a lot of things, and with you I have no doubt,
Teach me what I need to know, our time is running out;
If I'm hurt, please believe me when I tell you it's okay,
That's the only way to learn, that is what you always say.

I don't know how to repay you for all the things you've done,
I have seen so many things, all along I have had fun;
Believe me when I tell you, I will always be your pupil,
Teach me, my dear Teacher. Teach me as you will.

I Love You

2010-01-25T02:25:00.000-08:00

People have a bad habit of taking words for granted.

Okay, I know I’ve talked about this before, but then I was less serious. Relating this truth to my life now, where I’m far more desperate to make sense than to make people read my posts because they’re funny or easily understood, I’ve realized that I’ve so much to say.

This is coming from a guy who no one listens to when he’s serious.

People sometimes say things they don’t mean to, like “I love you”. Some even tend to say it in a manner where it sounds so good, you’ll believe it’s true. Some do it on purpose; some do it out of impulse, while some just come out with it when they’re forced to say something nice by their hormones or something.

It’s not always lying, though. When you say something wrong on purpose, that would be lying, but when you say something you thought was true at that time, that’s a completely different thing. Those are the times when you get confused by your feelings that you don’t know what the right thing to say is.

When you’re sad and someone comes along to make you happy, you find yourself saying “I love you” to that person, because it feels good to know that your emotions matter to somebody else. When you’re down and someone lifts you up, makes you proud, you feel like you’re not alone and you say “I love you” because you’re grateful. When you’re empty, doing things you don’t want to do, and do out of pleasure, and someone fills that emptiness up (sometimes effortlessly), you say “I love you”, because it feels good to have something to live for, even for just a moment.

After a while though, when you find yourself alone yet again, and the person you said “I love you” to, isn’t around to comfort you, you begin to feel doubt, regret and misery. “I shouldn’t have said I loved her,” you would think think. Sometimes the things you say make you expect and hope for far more than what you could get. Sometimes you say “I love you”, just because you want to hear an “I love you too.”

Saying “I love you” just because you’re desperate for a response isn’t just taking words for granted, it’s also limiting love to something that makes you happy and makes you feel cared for. Love isn’t just something that’s supposed to feel good, and not just something to make you feel secure. Love is more than pleasure and security. It wasn’t made for fun and for companionship. It’s not a game. If you think that love’s just a game, you’re probably losing it.

People would always say what they want to say, regardless of whether it’s true or not, or whether they’re sure or not. That’s why it’s so hard to trust words. Words can be very deceiving. That’s why we shouldn’t take words for granted, because words are like people, some can be foreign, making it very difficult to understand, some sound the same but are pronounced differently, making them easily misunderstood, and some have double meanings, which can be very misleading.

Words can be very hurting. God said it’s a double-edged sword for it hurts both sides. There are many phrases that leave us hoping for a response. “I love you” and “I love you too” are just examples. There’s also “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you”, “Thank you” and “You’re welcome”, and sometimes “Goodbye” and “Don’t leave”.

Again, this is coming from a guy who no one listens to when he’s serious, so the fact that you’re reading this is very touching. It makes me feel important and fulfilled.

If I said things you found hurting, I’m sorry if I offended you.

Thank you for the time you wasted.

Goodbye for now, dear reader.

I love you.

Dito

2010-01-16T22:56:00.000-08:00

Dito ka sa 'king tabi
'Wag kang mag-alinlangan
Kahit na konting sandali,
Lumuha kung kailangan.

Dito ka lumapit
Kung meron kang problema,
Ikaw ay aakayin
'Pag wala ka nang makita.

'Di ko kaya ang lahat
Ngunit lahat ay gagawin
Hindi man lahat ng matamis na bagay
Pwede kong sabihin.

Kahit kaibigan lang
Ang sa'ki'y pagtingin
Lahat sa'yo'y ibibigay
At wala nang hihingin

Dito ka sa aking puso
Hindi ka na mawawala
'Di mabubura ang ngalan mo
Malunod man ako sa luha.

Batas ng Kabataang Pag-ibig

2010-01-16T22:54:00.000-08:00

Payong kaibigan, makinig kang maigi
Sa bawat salita na aking masasabi
Ito ang mga batas ng kabataang pag-ibig
Nakasaad sa panahon, tinakda ng daigidig

Bawal magregalo ng hindi materyal
Okey lang makipagrelasyon, ngunit bawal magtagal
Kung ikaw ay hahanga, 'wag magpapahalata
Kundi ika'y masasalang sa husgahan ng madla

Kapag ika'y manunuyo, suyuin muna ang kaibigan
At 'wag padadala kung mapagbigyan ka man
Laro lang ang lahat, 'wag mong seseryusohin
At ang "Mahal Kita" 'wag na wag mong sasabihin

'Wag mong ipapakita ang tunay mong ugali
Kasinungalingan ang ipantakip mo sa sarili
Sino bang may sabing iintindihin ka niya?
Walang katotohanan ang pag-ibig niyo, tanga!

Ganyan talaga 'pag bata, kunwa-kunwari lang
Pagkatapos ng lahat, maghanda kang mailang
'Wag mo nang baguhi't kalabanin ang daigdig
Ito ang mga batas ng kabataang pag-ibig!

Bah, Humbug!

2009-12-28T21:36:00.000-08:00

Ang plastic naman ng Pasko.

Nung bata ako, excited ako sa Disyembre. Uulan nanaman kasi ng mga benteng malutong at kung maaari, konting dilaw at purple na salapi. Pero habang tumatanda ako at mas nakakintindi, nagtataka at nagtatanong din ako. Marami masyadong mga bagay na nakakalito, at parang iniiwasang kwestyunin. Ayaw pakialaman kaya hindi mabago. Hindi mabago kay mas lalong lumalala.

Pagbibigaya’t pasasalamat pa rin ba ang tunay na diwa ng Pasko?

Kasi kung pagbibigaya’t pasasalamat ang diwa ng Pasko, bakit ‘pag Pasko nagsusulputan ang mga tiangge? Di sana ‘yung mga bagay na binebenta e binibigay na lang. Ayaw man nilang aminin, kaya lang naman may mga tiangge at sari-saring sale ‘pag Pasko e dahil sa mga panahong ‘yun maraming perang pwedeng gastusin. Okey lang naman sana kung meron nito, kaya lang, isa ‘to sa mga bagay na umaagaw ng eksena kapag Pasko e. Imbis na ipagpasalamat ang kung anumang meron tayo, patuloy pa rin tayong humahanting ng mga material na bagay para lang masabing meron tayo nun. Hindi ‘yun pagbibigayan. Hindi ‘yun pasasalamat.

Kung pagbibigayan nga ang diwa ng Pasko, bakit mayroong exchange gift?

Kung magkano lang ang binigay mo, ‘yun lang din ang para sa’yo. Magbibigay ka lang kasi binigyan ka. Eto ba ang pagbibigayan? Ang mapait pa, sa eskwelahan mo ‘to masasaksihan. Kung saan itinuturo ang mga bagay na dapat dalhin sa tunay na buhay.

Sabi nila, kapag nabuo mo daw ang siyam na gabing misa de gallo, pwede ka daw mag-wish. Kaya ba kahit hindi naman talaga nakikinig, kahit hindi naman talaga gising e pumupunta pa rin tayo sa simbahan?

Ang hirap kasi e ang konsepto ng pagsisimba e nandun lang sa pagpunta sa simbahan at pakikinig sa pari, pero may nangyayari ba? Sa totoo lang, ang sinasabi lang naman ng pari e ‘yung mga aral na obvious na obvious na e, kesyo dapat hindi tungkol sa mge dekarsyo’t regalo ang pasko, kundi sa kapanganakan ni Hesus. Pero ano bang nakikita mo sa loob at labas ng simbahang pinupuntahan mo?

Sabi nila sakripisyo daw para sa Diyos ang pagpunta sa misa de gallo. Pero di ba sabi sa Bibliya, to obey is better than sacrifice? Ano pa’t pumupunta ka sa simbahan pero hindi naman Diyos ang ipinunta mo kundi ‘yung mga barkada mo at mga amigang sabik sa barberong wish na pinauso lang naman para may magtiyagang pumunta?

Christmas tree. Mistletoe. Santa Claus.

Bakit pa nga ba natin kailangan ng mga punong di naman totoo at di naman namumunga? Bakit kailangang lagyan sa ilalim ng mga regalong wala namang laman? Para saan at saan galing si Santa?

Mahilig na nga tayong kumuha ng ideya sa iba, ‘yung mga mpulpol pa kukunin natin. Anong kinalaman ni Hesus sa mga Christmas Tree? Sa mga mistletoe? Kay Santa? Ang mahirap kasi, masyado tayong sabik magdiwang, nakakalimutan na natin ‘yung ipinagdidiwang natin. Kahit sino na lang pwedeng magpasko, kasi hindi na naman sa Hesus ang ipinagdiriwang natin. Pagkain, pamilya, pera, regalo, bakasyon… Kanya-kanyang agenda na.

Sabi nila, dapat daw araw-araw daw ay Pasko lagi. Pero sinasabi lang naman nila ‘yun pag Pasko na. Sino ba ang nagtiyagang mamigay ng mga lumang damit sa mga mahihirap kahit walang okasyon? Sino ba ang nag-abalang magdonate ng dugo sa Red Cross dahil lang gusto niya? Kailan ba tayo nagbigay nang hindi Pasko? At kahit ‘pag Pasko na, pumapasok man lang ba sa isip nating magbigay?

Habang binabasa mo ‘to, malamang napapatango ka at nagsasabing “oo nga”, pero malamang makikiayon ka pa rin sa Pasko ng karamihan, yung paskong pangkabuhayan. Hindi ko naman hiling na ‘wag mong gawin lahat ng ginagawa mo, ang gusto ko lang tandaan mong hindi iyon ang pagdiriwang na nararapat para sa ipinagdiriwang mo.

Anak ng Diyos ang ibinigay sa atin dalawang libong taon na ang nakararaan, pero ipinanganak siya sa sabsabang walang dekorasyong tinsel o mistletoe, at hindi siya dinalhan ng Christmas Tree ni Santa Claus. Wala mang tinakdang contribution o pot luck, ipinagdiwang pa rin siya ng mga anghel sa kalangitan at pinuntahan ng mga pastol na dapat sana’y nagtarabaho, hindi upang tulugan kundi upang ipagpasalamat. Binigyan siya ng mga hari ng regalong mamahalin nang walang hininging kapalit. Ang pinakasimpleng Pasko ang pinakauna, at ‘yun sana ang ginagaya natin, at hindi yung mga plastic na Paskong hindi na nakasentro sa tunay na ipinagdiriwang.

Sino ba ‘yun?

Baka pati ikaw ‘di mo na alam.

Boy Basted’s Guide to A Productive Panliligaw

2009-12-28T21:32:00.000-08:00

Bakit ka ba inlab sa kanya?

Dahil sa maganda niyang ngiti? Dahil masarap siyang kausap? Dahil magaling siyang sumayaw? Dahil trip mo lang? Kung wala kang maisip, o ‘yung huli ang sagot mo, ‘wag mo na lang ituloy. Pero kung alam mo na ‘yung dahilan kung bakit, at sincere ka, congratulations, may katwiran ka na.

May isa pa akong tanong.

Bakit dapat siyang ma-inlab sa’yo?

Or more importantly, bakit hindi siya dapat mainlab sa iba?

Minsan mahirap tumingin mula sa malayo, at umasa sa himalang maglalapit sa inyo sa isa’t isa. Isang beses maiisipan mo na lang na lumapit, magbasakali, at magtapat.

At bigla mo na lang malalamang…

Syet, madami pala kayong ganun.

Sabi ni Darwin, ang buhay daw ay isang kumpetisyon. Survival of the fittest. Dog eat dog. Matira-matibay. Kumbaga, kung mahina ka, wala ka. Hindi ka makakaiwas makipagbuno paminsan-minsan kaya dapat maging malakas. At minsan kahit malakas ka na, kailangan mo pa lalong mas lumakas. Palakasan.

Hindi ko alam kung ganun talaga ang mundo, mahirap sabihing ganun siya palagi dahil hindi ko pa siya gaanong kilala, pero alam kong nangyayari nga yun. Minsan, hindi lang ikaw ang may kailangan sa kailangan mo, at hindi lang ikaw ang may gusto sa gusto mo. Kaya minsan mapapasubo ka talaga sa labanan, kahit wala kang armas.

Mahirap manligaw sa isang babaeng maraming manliligaw. Promise. Para kang nag-audition sa American Idol. Marami kang kasabayan sa audition. May mga desperado, may mga hayok, may mga first-timer at may mga two-timer. Iba-ibang mukha ang katunggali mo. Ang pinagkaiba lang siguro ng panliligaw sa pago-audition, kadalasan, hindi ang pinaka-kakaiba ang nananalo, kundi ‘yung pinaka-totoo.

At ‘di mo pwedeng murahin ‘yung judge ‘pag ‘di ka natanggap.

Sa panliligaw, ang keyword ay ang salitang “totoo”.

Ang problema sa pagiging totoo, e mahirap ‘yung gawin. Delikadong ipakita ang init ng ulo mo, mga kabastusan mo sa buhay at mga hinanakit mo sa mundo sa nililigawan mo, unless gusto niya ng emo. Kailangan mag-assume ‘yung taong gusto mo na ikaw ang pinaka-perpektong lalaki para sa kanya, kahit mukha kang butlig. Parang sa mga komersyal ng mga pulitiko: Kailangan ‘yung maganda lang ang ipapakita mo.

Hindi ko sinabing tama ‘yun, minsan lang ganun talaga. Nakakabadtrip nga na ang ibang tao, ginagawa na lang pass time ang panliligaw para malaman kung may “asim” pa sila e. ‘Yung mga klaseng taong ganun e either tumatandang DOM o namamatay nang mag-isa.

Watch out pare, bukod sa paghahangad na maging boypren niya, kailangan mo rin siyang protektahan sa mga masasamang elemento, tulad ng mga manyak at playboy.

Balik tayo sa pagiging totoo, bagamat delikado, kailangan mo rin talagang ipakita lahat ng ugali mo sa kanya. A half-truth is also a lie. Kung talagan plano mong maging kayo, ipakita mo na ‘yung mga dapat niyang asahan sa’yo. Malay mo, may pagkakapareho pala kayo at makatulong ‘yun. Kung pareho kayong takot, pwede kayong matakot magkasama.

Mahirap maging totoo kapag may gumagaya sa’yo. Promise. Minsan kung anong ginagawa mo, ginagawa rin ng iba para maungusan ka. Hindi mo naman hiningi ang kumpetisyon, pero minsan talaga nakakainis lang na ‘yung tanging bagay na akala mo magugustuhan sa’yo ng gusto mo, meron din ng iba.

Pero sa tingin ko lang, kung talagang gusto mo ‘yung ginagawa mo, at gusto mo na ‘yun bago mo pa man gawin para sa ibang tao, ‘wag mong bibitawan. Kasi at least kahit hindi umayon ang lahat sa plano mo, alam mo sa sarili mong hindi ka sumuko, at ginawa mo ‘yung lahat ng walang pagsisisi, kahit pa maraming katulad.

Hindi pa ako nakakapanligaw buong buhay ko, pero madalas akong makaranas ng rejection. At sa panliligaw, hindi na estranghero ang kabiguan. Pero ano bang dapat gawin kung narinig mo na mula sa kanya ang mapait niyang “hindi”?

Simple lang.

Tumayo ka mula sa pagkakadapa, tignan ang dinaanan mo at tanungin mo ang sarili mo kung sulit ba.

Kung oo, maghintay ka hanggang magbago ang isip niya. Matagal na proseso, pero epektibo. Balang araw, magtatapos na siya ng pag-aaral, magbe-break din sila ng boypren niya at mamamatay din ang asawa niya. Mauubusan din siya ng dahilan para tanggihan ka, kung hindi ka mauubusan ng pag-asa.

Kung hindi, maghintay ka hanggang dumating ‘yung taong mas mamahalin mo at mas mamahalin ka. Matagal na proseso pero sulit. Minsan nagpapadala tayo sa nakikita natin, akala natin ‘yung taong gusto natin lang ang pwedeng magmahal sa atin kay ‘pag bigo tayo e, ipipilit pa natin hanggang sumuko na tayo hindi lang sa pag-ibig kundi pati sa buhay. Balang araw, may makakapanukli din ng pagmamahal natin, at minsan wala siya sa mga inaasahan nating lugar at darating siya sa hindi natin inaasahang panahon. Kung makita mo siya habang may iba kang kasama, malaking panghihinayang ‘yun, kaya mabuti nang mahanap mo siya nang mag-isa ka’t nangangailangan ng pagmamahal.

Isang matinding tip: ‘Wag kang desperado. Sabihin mong mahal mo siya pero ‘wag kang umasang sasagot siya nang ganun din. Ipakita mo sa kanya pero ‘wag kang umasang ipapakita niya rin ang mga bagay na hinihingi mo. Kapag desperado ka, nagiging totoo ang mga kasinungalingan at hindi lang siya ang manloloko sa’yo kundi pati ang sarili mo.

Paano kung sinagot ka na niya? Simple lang. Pilitin mong maging pinakaastig na boypren sa lahat. Ngayon ka makipagkumpetensya. Laban sa mga nakanganga’t naiinggit. Laban sa mga nakataas ang kilay at nanglalait. Laban sa sarili mong mga kahinaan. Hindi ka na mag-isa ngayon, kaya iparamdam mo sa kanyang kasama ka niya.

O paano, matutulog na ako a. Break a leg!

Tapos na Ang Umaga

2009-12-18T02:25:00.000-08:00

Malayo pa ang bukas, humimbing ka, mahal ko
Nandito lang ako na magbabantay sa'yo
Kukumutan ka't hahagkan sa gabi na kay lamig
Ibaon mo sa'yong idlip itong aking pag-ibig.

Ang kahapo'y napuno ng pagod, pawis at luha
Dala ng mga hinahabol ngunit di naman makuha
Ngayong gabi, kasama ko'y humiling sa mga tala
Idalanging makamtan muli ang mga nawala

Dumilim na ang mundo nang di natin namalayan
Tila ba tayong dalawa'y pinaglalaruan
Palayain ang sarili at ako ay 'yong hagkan
Ako ang 'yong banig at ikaw ang aking unan

Tapos na ang umaga at hindi na mauulit
Ibaon mo na sa limot ang iyong pagod at galit
Kahit ano pa ang gawin nating pagpilit
Ang oras ay hindi pwedeng baguhin sa pagpihit

Kailan ko ba huling sinabi na mahal kita?
Sasabihin kong muli upang iyong maalala
Na kahit pa hindi na tayo muling magkakasama
Makatabi ka lang sa panaginip mo, wala na akong hihingin pa.

Dahil malayo pa ang bukas at tapos na ang umaga.

Sa Punong Ito

2009-12-18T02:23:00.000-08:00

Sa punong ito'y nakatatak ang pangalan mo,
Inukit gamit ang lansetang hawak ko;
Sa punong ito'y inaalala kita,
Ang lambot ng 'yong kamay at ningning ng 'yong mata.

Sa lilim niya'y madalas tayong magkwentuha't magtawanan,
Dito tayo tumungo 'nung wala nang mapuntahan;
Lumilipad ang oras kapag tayo'y magkasama,
Sino bang mag-aakalang mawawala ka?

Sa punong ito'y sumilong tayo,
Niyakap mo ako't pinatigil ang bagyo;
Sa punong ito, tinuruan mong mangarap,
Hawak ang iyong kamay, lumipad sa alapaap.

Gayon na lamang ang pag-ibig natin,
Walang kapantay kung iisipin;
Nalaman ko na lang na hindi pa 'yun sapat,
'Nung pasan mo ang mundo ngunit nilihin mo ang lahat.

Sa punong ito, nagpaalam ka't lumisan,
'Di na muling babalik, mawawala nang tuluyan;
Niyakap mo kong mahigpit nang parang 'di na bibitaw,
Kung kaya ko lang ay 'di na pinalubog ang araw.

Sa punong ito, nabalitaang wala ka na,
'Di mo sinabing may sakit pala;
Kung nalaman lang sana nang mas maaga,
'Di na hinayaang lumisan ka.

Sa punong ito'y naghihintay sa'yo,
Tinatanong sa langit kung ba't naging ganito;
At gamit ang lansetang hawak-hawak ko,
Inukit kong muli ang pangalan mo...

Sa puso ko.

Pangako

2009-12-18T02:21:00.002-08:00

Isang pasong pangako lamang
Ang aking pinanghahawakan
Basag na pinggang kinakainan
Sangang putol na kinakapitan

Sabi mo di na ako mag-iisa
Kung gayo'y nasaan ka na?
Nanghihinayang, nagtataka
Ilang beses mo na ako pinaasa

Lumuluha ang kalangitan
Sabay sa aking kalungkutan
Hanggang kailan mo ako pahihirapan
Paano pa nga ba kita kalilimutan?

Mahirap kayang magmukhang tanga
Akala mo lang hindi kasi 'di mo nakikita
Hindi ako martir para tiisin ang lahat
Patawad kung patawad ay 'di sapat.

Kung hindi mo na ako makikita
Baka kasi ayoko na
Kung nagmamahal tayo para masaktan
Ang pag-ibig ay isang kalohokan

Acrostic

2009-12-18T02:21:00.001-08:00

Ang ganda ng araw sa salamin ng 'yong mata,
Rumagasa bigla sa isip ang paborito kong kanta,
Rampa nga ang mundo at gulong ang daigdig,
Ang tanging konswelo na lang ay paghangad ng 'yong pag-ibig

Sabi mo'y hindi pa nga siguro handa,
Handang muling magmahal ng puso mong nadaya
Aking inintindi, kahit ayaw sang-ayunan
Ramdam ko na seryoso ka sa 'yong mga tinuran

Inaayos ko ang aking kilos at pananalita,
E pasensya na muna kung 'di pa yata halata
Mahirap din pala kahit anong pagpilit ko
E pasenya na rin kung 'di pa ko masyadong nagbabago

Nandirito lang ako umaasa na mabatid,
Di ko alam kung gaano katagal bago mapatid ang lubid
Okey lang sa'kin kung meron kang ibang inaasahan,
Zulit na rin namang maituring mong kaibigan..

At makita kang ngumiti kahit 'di ako ang dahilan.

Huwag Mong Sabihin

2009-12-16T03:08:00.001-08:00

Sa layo ng pagitan at haba ng taon
Hindi ko na alam kung nasa'n na kami ngayon
Kung palarin mong makita ang aking sinisinta,
Marapat ay ingatan mong 'wag sabihin sa kanya

Huwag mong sabihin na sinadya kong malungkot
Maniwala ka, pinilit ko na rin na 'wag matakot
Ngunit ang araw-araw na paggising at hindi siya masilayan
Para bang isang bangungot na hindi ko matakasan

Huwag mong sabihin sa kanya na hindi ko sinubukan
Na humanap ng ibang maaari kong hagkan
Ginusto ko na rin na siya ay limutin
Ngunit parang hindi ko talaga makayang gawin

Huwag mong sabihing sinadya kong lumayo
At habang buhay na paasahin siya sa'king mga pangako
Seryoso ako nung sinabi ko sa kanya
Na maghihintay ako maging hanggang kailan pa

Huwag mong sabihing lilipas din ito
Nakatatak na sa'king puso itong damdamin ko
Titigil ang pag-asa't magugunaw ang daigdig,
Ngunit narito pa ri't buhay ang alay kong pag-ibig.

Kung maari sana'y kalimutan mo na lang
Na sabihin sa kanya na ako pa ri'y hibang
Hayaan mong isipin niyang ako na nga'y wala na
Upang kanya nang malimutan, pait ng aking ala-ala.

Aybol

2009-12-16T03:03:00.000-08:00

Naririnig mo ako ngunit di mo nakikita
Hindi mo nahahawakan ngunit iyong nakakasama
Ako ang boses na nawalan na ng mukha
Ako ang mangingibig na nakatago sa salita

Sumasabit sa isipan kung anong nangyari sa'yo
Sa t'wing hindi sumasagot sa mga tawag ko
Uhaw akong naghihintay sa tamis ng tinig mo
Tila ba lumiliit ang kay laki nating mundo

Sa bawat letra ng mensahe na sa'yo'y pinalilipad
Ang kwento ng aking pag-ibig, unti-unting nilalahad
Ang makasama ka man lang ang tangi kong hinahangad
Isang araw lang sinta, kahit saan pa mapadpad

Sagutin mo ang tawag ko, aking guni-guning sinta
Ang tangi kong hiling na sana'y makapiling ka
Dahil bawat sandali na ikaw ay makasama
Para bang hindi na tayo muling magkikita.

Kay Vigan

2009-11-25T01:53:00.000-08:00

Wari ko ngayon ay matagal na rin pala
Mula nang tayu-tayo ay unang nagkakilala
Kapag aking binabalikan ang ating ala-ala,
Tila ang malayo'y mas lumalayo pa.

Kay rami mo pang mga arte noon
Pabagu-bago araw-araw, para bang ang panahon
Natatawa na lamang sa mga araw ng kahapon
Ibang-iba na pala talaga tayo ngayon

Naaalala mo pa ba ang mga butas na pinasok?
Ang mga thumbtacks at karayom na sa atin ay tumusok?
Mga puso't ulo nating uminit na't muntikan ng umusok,
Na hinipan nang hinipan at tuluyang pumutok?

Ang mga luhang pinunasan ngunit 'di naman tumulo?
Mga utak na naglalakbay malayo sa'ting ulo?
Mga nasangkuta't sinimulan nating mga gulo?
Gaano pa ba kalayo ang hinahabol nating dulo?

Naaalala mo pa ba, aking minsang kaibigan?
Ang asim, tamis, pait, anghang na ating pinagsaluhan?
O baka naman tuluyan mo na lang kinalimutan
Mga litrato sa'yong ala-alang minsan mong nakunan?

Wari ko kasi ngayo'y matagal na rin pala
Mula nang tayu-tayo ay huling nagkakilala,
Puluti't ipunin natin muli ang mga pinagsamahan
Dahil minsan tayo ay naging tunay na...

Magkaibigan.

Walk With Me

2009-11-25T01:52:00.001-08:00

And so I lag behind her,
And love her secretly;
No, I'm not a stalker,
I'm just a passerby.

Confidence is a stranger,
And courage is a lie;
They're just too much to ask for,
Like fire from the sky.

I've got chains all around me,
Bound to the past I curse;
But maybe hate won't set me free,
And only makes things worse.

That's why I need her loving grace,
To help me break away;
She's more than just a pretty face,
She's the light to my way.

And so I lag behind her,
And need her desperately;
Longing for her to love me back,
Longing for her to walk with me.

Emo Ba?

2009-11-25T01:49:00.000-08:00

Mahirap maging isang malungkot na estranghero sa isang lugar kung saan lahat ng tao, magkakakilala. Magpanggap na kasali ka at may kaugnayan sa mga taong hindi mo pa at hindi ka pa lubusang kilala. Kalaban mo ang panghuhusga ng iba, ang pag-aalinlangan sa pakikisama at ang katotohanan ng pag-iisa.

Emo ba?

Yuck.

'Sensya na a. 'Di na rin ako masyadong sanay sa mga ganito e.

Parang ogags ang mundo kapag malungkot ka, kasi parang ang tingin mo sa lahat ng tao, masaya. Lalo na kapag maraming tao sa paligid, parang napakalaking kasalanan ang sumimangot, kasi may isang parte ng utak mo na nagsasabing walang may pakialam sa pagsimangot mo, kaya wag mo na lang 'yun gawin. Minsan mas ligtas pa ngang magpatawa kaysa mag-emote, kasi 'pag nagpatawa ka at walang ibang tumawa, madali lang tumawa mag-isa, pero 'pag nalungkot ka at walang ibang umiyak kasama mo, napakahirap lumuha.

Pag-ibig. Love. Siguro lahat tayo naghahangad 'nun, lalo na kung malungkot tayo. At least may kakapitan ka, 'di ba? "Oks lang, may nagmamahal naman sa'kin e," linyang madalas sabihin ng mga panget. Ang ayos kasi sa pag-ibig, andami niyang packaged deal: pag-asa, ligaya, tagyawat, etc. Kaya napakasayang magmahal.

Pero di ba parang napakadelikadong magmahal habang malungkot ka? Parang, kasi inoobliga mo yung taong mahal mo na pasayahin ka. Labo. Para kasing napakamakasarili ng isang taong humihingi ng kasiyahan sa buhay pero hindi niya naman ito masuklian dahil nga malungkot siya. Sa huli, mapapagod lang ang mga pilit nagpapangiti sa kanya at mas lalo lang siyang magiging mag-isa. The End.

Okey lang sana ang magsabi ng, "Mahal pa rin kita kahit malungkot ako ngayon," kesa naman sa, "Mahalin mo nga ako kasi malungkot ako ngayon."

Ewan ko sa'yo pero hangga't maaari, ayoko munang pumasok sa kahit anong relasyon habang problemado ako. Nakakatakot. Takot ako na masaktan ang iba dahil sa kalungkutan ko, takot na mapahiya ang iba dahil sa mga ginagawa kong kalokohan sa tuwing nagpapanggap akong masaya at takot rin na matapos agad ang isang kwentong napakasarap pero napakahirap simulan. Napakanakakainis akong intindihin, kaya hangga't 'di ko pa alam kung paano intindihin ang sarili ko, hindi muna ako aasang may gagawa nun para sa'ken.

Kung may nagugustuhan man ako, mas gusto kong sumaya siya dahil sa'kin, kasi sumasaya ako dahil sa kanya. Give and take ba. Kaya nga pinipilit kong mas magpakasaya e, para 'pag may nanghingi, may maibibigay ako.

Mahirap maging isang malungkot na estranghero sa isang lugar kung saan lahat ng tao, magkakakilala. At minsan, ang tanging dahilan mo na lang para magpakasaya 'pag ganun ay isang mula tao 'dun na pilit mong kinikilala, sa karagatan ng mga mukhang pilit na nagsusumisiksik sa ala-ala mo. 'Yung tao na patago mong minamahal mula sa malayo, hindi niya sinasadya pero napapasaya ka niya, kaya nagpupumilit kang pasayin siya.

Bakit ba kasi parang mas okey magmahal 'pag may bigat kang pasan? Kahit parang delikado?

Baka kasi dahil 'dun nalalaman mo kung kaya mo nga ba siyang mahalin, kahit gaano ka pa kalungkot.

Hindi para pangitiin ka niya, pero dahil siya ang dahilan ng bawat ngiti mo.

At kelan ba naging kasalanan 'yun?

. . .

Ehem.

Emo ba?

. . .

Yuck.

My Favorite Addiction

2009-11-25T01:47:00.001-08:00

What is love? What the hell, who on earth ever really knew?
It seems that no one can ever give an explanation that would do.
If you'd ask me, I'll just answer with my stupid definition,
Your love's the sweetest drug, and you're my favorite addiction.

They say love is a truth though it seems just like a lie,
A perfect reason to live and a perfect excuse to die.
I don't know about that, well I'm not really sure,
But I know it is my sickness, and your answer's my cure.

If this love is a sin, maybe your heart shall justify,
If to dream of you's a crime, then I'm prepared to testify
Your love's a lethal trap and you're my only way out,
We're always short of time, so I'll make every minute count.

Your eyes are the star maps and I'm the lost wandering ship
Your mind is the sullen ocean where I submerge find too deep
I'd love to drown in your pain and swim between your tears
Flush out your favorite worst nightmares, and take away your fears

They say love transcends love and begets it just as well,
But what purpose does it give? No one can really tell.
Your love is the mystery, the culprit and the sleuth,
The lie that sets me free from the unforgiving truth.

But what exactly is your love? I don't have a single clue.
I guess the only thing that matters is the fact that I love you.
If you ask me, I would answer with my stupid definition,
Your love's the sweetest drug, and you're my favorite addiction.

Akala Ko

2009-11-25T01:44:00.000-08:00

Halos masira na ang ulo ko, kaiisip ko sa'yo,
Akala ko pa naman ay di ka talaga totoo;
Eto ka nanaman at muling kumikinang,
Eto ako ngayon, hiyang ngunit naiilang.

Akala ko'y limot ko na, ating nakaraan,
Mga ngiti't pangakong minsa'y ating binitawan;
Nang makita kang muli, parang hindi na nagtaka,
Nung masabi sa sarili na mahal pa rin kita.

Akala ko'y burado na, bakas ng mga dinaanan,
Iniyakang mga problema at pinagsaluhang kalokohan;
Iyon pala'y nagtatago lang dito sa'king isipan,
Pag-ibig na sarado, naghihintay na mabuksan.

Akala ko ang puso ko'y naibaon na sa libingan,
Sa lapidang iyong gawa, ikaw pa nga ang nagpangalan;
Ngayo'y tumutulang muli at hindi mapakali,
Mali pala nung sabihing nagawa ko na ang huli.

Nagtataka, nagdaramdam, akala ko'y paalam na,
Bakit nga ba nag-iba nang muling makapiling ka?
Akala ko pa naman malayo na ang narating ko,
Iyon pala ay babalik lang rin ako sa'yo.

Naghihintay pa rin pala ang isip kong mukhang tanga,
Tumitibok pa rin pala ang puso kong napagod na;
At ang pag-ibig na akala ko'y limot ko nang tuluyan,
Ang tanging ala-alang lagi kong panghahawakan.

Ang pangalan mo ang tanging salitang inaasahan.

In Memoriam: Tatay and Nanay

2009-10-29T06:40:00.001-07:00

Nakatayo ako sa harap ng kinalalagyan ni Lola, kaakbay ang bunso niyang kapatid na dinaramdam ang kanyang pangungulila. Umiiyak siya dahil wala na ang kanyang mga kapatid dito sa mundo. Nag-iisa na lang daw siya. Wala nang gabay at payong aalalay sa kanya. Yumao na ang natitirang ate niyang kinukunsumi at nirerespeto.

Nakakaawa.
Nakakapanghina.
Nakakatakot palang tumanda.

Ang sabi ni Doraemon, ang pinakamahirap daw sa pagtanda ay kapag wala nang mas matanda sa'yo na tatama sa mali mo. Siguro nga. Kapag may nangyayaring masama, kapag may nangyayaring hindi natin gusto, palagi tayong dumedepende sa mga mas matanda sa atin para piyansahan tayo. Pakiramdam natin okey lang na magkamali, kasi may resbak tayo. Ate, kuya, nanay, tatay, lola, lolo... Napakadali nilang pagkatiwalaan. Kaya lang parang napakahirap nilang pasalamatan.

Nung bata pa ako, madalas akong pagalitan ni Nanay Ba, yung lola ko. Bata kasi e, pangahas ako nun. Akala ko yata ako si Tom Sawyer. Palagi siyang naka-duster at may suyod sa buhok. Nung nakakapaglakad pa siya ng deretso, palagi silang pumupunta sa Bulacan para bisitahin at bantayan kami. Nung medyo malalaki na kami, siya talaga ang nag-alaga sa amin kasi 'dun muna sila tumira ni Lolo pansamantala. Nakukunsumi ko palagi 'yun kasi epal ako, pero lagi ko rin namang nilalambing kasi hindi siya masyadong ma-trip, 'di tulad ni Lolo. Madalas Nagpapahilot 'yun lagi ng tuhod at paa. Bata pa lang ako hobby niya na 'yun. Hobby niya ring mangutang sa bumbay at mamroblema sa pera. Kaya niyang gawin 'yun nang sabay. Habang nakapikit!

Pero ano bang magagawa niya? Nanay siya e! Trabaho niyang mamroblema at mag-alaga, manermon at manaway. Kahit pa madalas niyang pagurin ang sarili niya sa pagrereklamo tungkol sa mga obligasyon niyang 'yun, ginawa niya 'yun nang tama at nang sakto para sa bawat isang anak at apong dumaan sa kalinga niya.

Si Tatay Bo naman, 'yung lolo ko nga, dakilang kunsintidor. Kaya nga okey lang ako palagi sa kanya. Sa kanya ko natutunan makipag-apir at ngumiti palagi. "Kaibigan" ang tawag niya sa'kin at sa lahat ng batang ka-vibes niya, apo man o hindi. Mahilig siyang mag-gitara, kumanta at magkumpuni ng mga gamit. Karpinterong groovy. Active siya palagi sa church, sabit na rin si Nanay syempre, at sobrang hasa sa pagbibigay ng testimony, lalo na sa aming mga kapamilya niya.

Sa gabi, magkahawak-kamay silang nagdadasal bago matulog. Pinagdarasal nila mula sa mga anak nila, sa mga manugang, hanggang sa mga apo nila. Sa pagtulog, yakap nila ang isa't isa habang nakikinig ng radyo. Sa umaga, magtitimpla ng kape si Tatay para kay Nanay bago buksan ang tindahan. Hindi ko alam kung mula pa kailan niya 'yun naisipang gawin, at kung bakit hindi siya nagsawa sa pagdaan ng panahon. Pero alam ko mahal na talaga nila ang isa't isa, hindi pa buhay ang mga magulang ko.

Kung magkakaroon nga ako ng pagkakataong tumanda at maging asawa, tatay, at lolo, gusto kong maging tulad ni Tatay Bo, at isang araw makahanap din ng babaeng mamahalin habambuhay, kahit gaano pa siya nakakainis paminsan, katulad ni Nanay Ba. At eto na nga ako ngayon, nagpupumilit. Sayang nga lang at wala na sila para ituro kung saan ba dapat magsimula.

Sabi ko nga kanina, napakahirap magpasalamat sa mga taong mas matanda sa iyo na labis mong pinagkatiwalaan at nirespeto. Una, dahil hindi ka makahanap ng oras. Pangalawa, dahil lagi na silang nandiyan para sa'yo, inaakala mong hindi na sila lilisan pa. Pangatlo, dahil gustuhin mo mang magpasalamat, hindi mo naman malaman kung saan dapat mag-umpisa. At pang-apat, nalalaman mo lang ang mga dapat mong ipagpasalamat kapag wala na sila para marinig pa 'yun.

Gusto ko sanang itanong kung anong pwede kong gawin para makabawi, kung paano makapanukli sa pagmamahal nila sa amin. Gusto ko uling apakan ang likod ng Tatay katulad nung minamasahe ko siya dati, nung si Tom Sawyer pa ako. Gusto kong alugin uli 'yung lumalawlaw na balat sa braso at baba ni Nanay, bago siya maasar uli sa lambing ko. Gusto ko uling ihiram sila ng diyaryo, pahiran ng langis sa likod, kwentuhan, halikan, pakinggan, at bantayan sa pagtulog. Pero wala na sila sa mundong ginagalawan ko. Sana nasabi ng mga halik ko noong huli naming pagkikita ang nararamdaman kong pasasalamat at pagmamahal para sa kanilang dalawa, kasi hindi ko alam kung nasabi ko ba 'yun ng deretso.

Ang tanging konswelo ko na lang sa buhay na ito ay 'yung langit na tinuro nila na gawa ng Diyos na pinakilala nila sa amin. 'Yung langit kung saan walang problema, pagluha, utang, hika, rayuma at stroke. 'Yung Diyos na alam kong hindi sila paghihiwalayin at pababayaan.Siguro 'yun na rin nga ang pinakamalaking pasasalamat ko sa kanila, ang pagpapahalaga nila sa kung anumang meron sila, nakikita man o hindi.

Nawalan ba ako at ang pamilya namin ng gabay 'nung nawala sila? Hindi. Kasi bago nila kami iwan, ipinaalam nila na posibleng magtiwala at matuto mula sa isang Diyos. Isang Diyos na tulad na nilang wala dito sa mundo natin, at hindi natin nakikita, pero posibleng maging gabay patungo sa anumang alam nating naghihintay sa atin.

Oo, nandito na nga ang panghihinayang at ang mga napurnadang plano. Oo, masakit nga at parang nakakaloko. Pero 'di ba noon pa naman ganun ang buhay? Puno ng saya ng pagsasama at pait ng paghihiwalay. Kaya nga siguro may langit e. Kung walang langit, saan tayo aasang magka-kita-kitaan uli? Sa reincarnation? Good luck.

Eto na nga ako sa higaan ko, tinatapos ang sanaysay na hindi ko inakalang masisimulan ko't mabibigyang-wakas. Dala ang kalungkutang souvenir ng mga araw na lumipas at ang mga aral na napulot ko sa daan, bibigyang tuldok ang huling pangungusap ng huling talata tungkol sa mga mahal kong Lolo't Lola.

Umaasang hindi ito ang huling aral na ituturo nila sa akin. Sabik sa kasunod na pahina ng makapal na libro ng buhay.

Game!

Not Another Essay About Death and Mourning

2009-10-29T06:38:00.000-07:00

Death. Isn't there something we trouble ourselves about more? We've always hurried ourselves for the sake of it. We did things and took time for granted just so we could say it's okay to die, even though sometimes, we don't really give much thought about it. Not until it happens though.

For some reason, some of us look forward to dying. Others even make lists of what they want to do before they die and what they want to have in their wake and burial. Some plan the songs they want to be played in those occassions, and while in their terminal days, do "good" and remarkable things in order to get a nice, note-worthy processional speech.

Frankly, we more often see death as a finish line. "This is the end of a life worth living," people say. But that's just for the ones who looked forward to it. What about the ones who never did? The ones who ignored its curse so they could focus more on life? What is death, in general?

I can't really tell what death is. I never died. But though I know I can't define something by yourself out of mere observations, I would certainly want to try. I've seen it so many times that I can't help sharing my thoughts about it.

For me, looking forward to death is stupid. Really. It's like writing an article just to beat the deadline. You don't really mean anything with what you show, you just talk of pointless things for the end of it. The thing I know with cheap hurried writings is that it's often rejected and revised. The sad thing about life though, is that there are no retakes. One hurried life can leave one very resentful.

I'm not saying we shouldn't plan ahead, nor am I implying we shouldn't be ready for it. I just think that we were sent here for more than just dying.

Death is a sad, sad thing. I don't have to die to say so. I bet it hurts God too. Even if they say that it's okay, that it's a part of life... I don't see it as a good thing. I think death is just a proof that this world is an imperfect world, and we are imperfect people. Maybe God had death in his plans so we could hold out for something more than this life. So we could live for more than just a perfect death, a perfect wake, and a perfect burial. Maybe we should look past that and live for something that lasts forever. Because if life is a stream that flows to whatever heaven that lies in the midst of the falls, then falling down would be great, because heaven is at hand.

So should we look forward to death? No. It's not a finish line. It's a checkpoint to whatever heaven we hope for. Wouldn't it be better if we worked for the joy of life and not for the sake of death?

Joy.

Whatever you believe in, I believe it's what everybody needs. The heaven we all hope for, to be lying in the midst of the falls.

So close your eyes and let the waters take you there.

Amateur Sonnet

2009-10-29T06:36:00.000-07:00

Amateur lover on his way to you,
Listening to the highway's cries and wails;
Hoping blind love will at last find him too,
Longing for your touch, so warm it never fails.

Naively hopeful with no touch of sense,
I wait on you and your version of grace;
Like dancing in the plane while turbulence,
I smile in satyr with death on my face.

I count the moments we had spent in bliss,
Lingering in this endless stream of cars;
I curse the time spent, dreaming of your kiss,
The slow passage of days and weeks and hours.

Unarmed with strength and knowledge to understand,
Here I am stupid, dreaming of your hand.

Dyaryo Entries: How Far Can Your Bente Go?

2009-10-13T02:32:00.000-07:00

"Kapag maigsi ang kumot, matutong mamaluktot."

This famous Filipino proverb has proved itself relevant and useful nowadays, considering the fact that these are hard times we are facing. With loads of problems adding to our daily stress, it gets even more difficult to find answers. Fortunately, Juan has many tricks hidden in his sleeve. Poverty isn't news anymore, and it isn't such a big deal.

It's Monday again, and as usual, Juan would get out of his bed as early as 3 in the morning so he could prepare for another day in school. With 20 pesos in his pocket, it's puzzling how he would fill in his expenses for the day, given the fact that highschool life isn't really that luxurious as it appears in those teenage drama shows. Luckily, Juan, being the true-blue Pinoy that he is, has enough brains to get him through.

Even before sunrise, as early as 4 am, he would start walking his way to school. 6 pesos is just too much to give away, it's already 30% of his pocket money. Besides, its a good way to get some exercise, a kilometer or two wouldn't hurt anyone, or at least not him.

Lunch time is always spending time, but since school is a place for friends, Juan doesn't have to worry too much. When you're half your money short of buying a dose of decent ulam, it's a great help to have some reinforcements. It already became a habit for Juan and his friends to share their packed lunch, and as time goes by, these unconventional "mini pot-lucks" have helped them tightened their friendship as well as their belts.

Recess is almost over and still, Juan's 20 pesos remain untouched. But Juan's not that naive not to have plans for the future, so along with his friends, they formed a small "paluwagan" network. Everyday, they would subtract 5 pesos from each of their allowance and deposit it to their group's treasurer. Once a week, they'd get a sum of 25 pesos each from their daily earnings, even more than their daily allowance. A little cooperation, a pinch of thriftiness and, voila, they get more than what they spend.

Walking his way home, he takes out his three five-peso coins from his pocket, and grins in delight. Life isn't so hard after all, once you get used to it. After sliding one of his coins into his bamboo alkansya, he holds on to the other two, looking forward to another fun-packed 30 minutes of Facebook. Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little socializing once in a while!

Life is truly difficult, but it isn't so bad. Money can't buy everything, but it teaches us many things. Responsibility, thriftiness and self-control are such. We put our money where our hearts are, and when it goes somewhere good, somewhere helpful and sure, who knows, maybe life tomorrow wouldn't be as hard as it is today.

If you can make your money reach great heights today, it may someday take you even further than you can imagine.

"Kapag maigsi ang kumot, matutong mamaluktot!"

Sa Punong Ito

2009-10-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

Sa punong ito'y nakatatak ang pangalan mo,
Iniukit gamit ang lansetang hawak ko;
Sa punong ito'y inaalala kita,
Ang lambot ng 'yong kamay at ningning ng 'yong mata.

Sa lilim niya'y madalas tayong magkwentuha't magtawanan,
Dito tayo tumungo 'nung wala nang mapuntahan;
Lumilipad ang oras kapag tayo'y magkasama,
Sino bang mag-aakalang mawawala ka?

Sa punong ito'y sumilong tayo,
Niyakap mo ako't pinatigil ang bagyo;
Sa punong ito, tinuruan mong mangarap,
Hawak ang iyong kamay, lumipad sa alapaap.

Gayon na lamang ang pag-ibig natin,
Walang kapantay kung iisipin;
Nalaman ko na lang na hindi pa 'yun sapat,
'Nung pinasan mo ang mundo ngunit nilihin mo ang lahat.

Sa punong ito, nagpaalam ka't lumisan,
'Di na muling babalik, mawawala nang tuluyan;
Niyakap mo kong mahigpit nang parang 'di na bibitaw,
Kung kaya ko lang ay 'di na pinalubog ang araw.

Sa punong ito, nabalitaang wala ka na,
'Di mo sinabing may sakit pala;
Kung nalaman lang sana nang mas maaga,
'Di na hinayaang lumisan ka pa.

Sa punong ito'y naghihintay sa'yo,
Tinatanong sa langit kung ba't naging ganito;
At gamit ang lansetang hawak-hawak ko,
Inukit kong muli ang pangalan mo sa puso ko.

Pag-asa ng Kabataan

2009-10-06T23:36:00.001-07:00

Nagpakita na sa wakas ang araw. Sa pagngiti niya, para bang walang dumaang bagyo na lumunod sa napakaraming plano, pangarap, kabuhayan at buhay ng mga tao. Inosente, at para bang nagbubulag-bulagan sa kalugmukang sinapit ng mga nasalanta ang araw. Pero ano bang magagawa ng araw bukod sa sumikat at magbigay pag-asa? Kahit mistulang walang pakialam, dala pa rin ng araw ang kasiguraduhang wala na ang delubyong dumaan, at ang pag-asang wala nang susunod pa dito.

Hindi ko matiis na mapanood sa telebisyon ang sinapit ng libu-libong tao na nawalan ng tirahan, kabuhayan at mga mahal sa buhay. Lalo pa't alam kong may kaya akong gawin para tumulong, pero hindi ko naman magawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan ko pang humingi ng permiso para gumawa ng mabuti. Permisong imposibleng makuha mula sa mga taong mas nanaisin pang matulog na lang habang ang ibang tao, walang matulugan.

Nakapagtataka kung bakit 'yung mga taong napalakas manita at magreklamo kapag may nakikitang mali sa telebisyon, sila pa 'yung walang ginagawa para itama ang mga 'yun. At 'yung mga kabataang sakit sa ulo lamang sa kanila, 'yung mga pinipilit gawin ang lahat para makatulong sa iba.

Siguro nasa isip ng ibang mga magulang na kaya lang naman magpasikat ng mga anak nila kaya sila abala sa pagvo-volunteer, habang manghang-mangha sila sa mga artistang napapanood nila sa TV na kung tutuusin ay mas may dahilan at motibo para magpasikat. O baka rin naman ayaw lang nilang mapahamak ang mga anak nila sa pagtulong. Kaya lang, bakit natin pipigilan ang mga bata sa gusto nilang gawin kung nakakabuti naman ito sa kanila at sa iba? Mas mabuti na sigurong lumaki ang mga batang may sugat galing sa pagtulong kaysa lumaking ligtas, walang galos ngunit tamad at walang kayang gawin.

Maaaring idahilan ng mga magulang ang mga obligasyon nila't trabaho kaya hindi sila maka-reach out sa mga nangangailangan, pero 'wag naman sana nilang ipagkait ang pagkakataon sa mga batang wala namang ginagawa sa bahay dahil walang pasok, kundi magdota at magfacebook, na makatulong sa abot ng kanilang makakaya, hangga't may lakas pa sila para gawin 'yun.

Hindi ko naman sinasabing hayaan natin silang maghirap para sa ibang tao kaysa sa kanilang sariling mga pamilya, ang sinasabi ko lang, kung ang araw nga, nasa langit na, pero nakapagbibigay pa ng pag-asa sa mga nasalanta, paano pa kaya ang mga kabataang may kamay na pang-abot, paang pang-lakad at pusong pang-alay sa pagtulong?

Bigyan natin ang kabataan ng pagkakataong maging pag-asa ng bayan. Kung isa kang magulang, pilitin mong maging pag-asa ng kabataan.

Torpe 2.0

2009-09-28T02:52:00.001-07:00

I never told you of how beautiful you've always been to me,
I never told you how your words just break my chains and set me free;
There's a lot of things I've always wanted to tell you about,
But when you're right in front of me, those words just don't seem to come out.

I never told you of the meaning that you give my worthless days,
And how is it that when I'm lost, I just want to see your face;
I never told you of the stars your eyes could have been instead,
I never mentioned about the fact that you're always in my head.

I never told you of the dreams that I wished and prayed to be true,
Nor the nightmares that I had that cried the thought of losing you;
I never told you of the pick-up lines I made, but couldn't say,
And how I longed to hold your hand, every moment, every day.

How I wish to be the one that you have always hoped to have,
Because you'll always be the only one that I would want to love;
But it's hard to find the words to say that all of this is true,
That the only seat I want to take is the one right next to you.

Ngiti

2009-09-28T02:48:00.000-07:00

Tila yata nananawa na ang 'yong mga ngiti,
Ang tanging kasiyahan nitong puso kong sawi;
Maari bang malaman kung ano ang dahilan,
Upang 'di na magtaka kung pa'no ka tulungan?

Ikaw na isang misteryo sa aking paningin,
Munting talang kay ningning ngunit malayo pa rin;
Hindi ko malutas ang bugtong ng 'yong pagkatao,
Lalo pa't kahit kaila'y hindi mo 'ko sineryoso.

Sa likod ng 'yong upuan, ika'y pinagmamasdan,
Binubulong sa hangin ang mga stupidong katanungan;
Ako, isang hibang na hindi na makatatagpo,
Ng lunas sa pagkahapo nitong nagdaramdam na puso.

At sino naman ba ako para iyong pagkatiwalaan?
Nakikita mo lang naman ako kapag nagtatawanan;
Siguro nga'y wala akong alam tungkol sa'yo,
Pero hindi ba pwedeng tanggapin ang pag-alalay ko?

Ayoko sana na makita kang nakasimangot nang ganyan,
Hindi mo man batid, sana ay maintindihan;
Kung ikaw rin ay magpapakalungkot kagaya ko,
Sino na lang ang magbibigay-ngiti sa'king mundo?

Ala-ala

2009-09-27T04:15:00.000-07:00

Inuulit-ulit, ginuguhit-guhit, sa loob ng aking isipan,
Ang saya at ngiti sa isang tila panaginip nating kwentuhan;
Sariwang-sariwa pa sa'king ala-ala, ang kilig sa'yong mga pagtawa,
Mapait mang isipin pati na ang tanggaping ako na lang ang nakaka-alala.

Pasilip-silip, pasulyap-sulyap, sa mukha mong kay ganda,
Hinihiling na mabatid, hiyang ko nang mga mata;
Pinalilipad sa hangin, umaasa na dinggin, bulong ng pagtawag ko sa'yo,
Mapansin, makausap o sana man lamang maalala mo rin ako.

Lumalapit-lapit, panaka-naka, pasimpleng kumakaway sa'yo,
Umaasa na kahit kamay mo man lang ay masilayan ko;
Lumagpas lamang ng limang segundo ang ating pag-uusap,
Bahagya nang natupad ang aking mga pangarap.

Umaasa pa rin akong maulit ang araw na 'yon,
Kahit pa parang napakaimposibleng umurong ng panahon;
Paraiso na ang isang araw na makapiling ka,
Pa'no kaya kung araw-araw? Edi ubod ng saya!

Kaso lahat ng ito'y palagay ko lamang,
Sino bang maghahangad kumausap sa timang?
Nagsusulat ng mga tulang 'di naman seseryosohin,
Pinaghirapan kong gawin, 'di mo naman babasahin.

Inuulit-ulit, ginuguhit, sa loob ng aking isipan,
Ang saya at ngiti sa isang tila panaginip nating kwentuhan;
Masakit nga ngunit kailangang tanggapin ang katotohanan,
Na ang makasama ka'y sa panaginip lang masisilayan.

Let Her Sleep

2009-09-14T02:14:00.000-07:00

Forty years of living, forty years of pain,
Forty years spent in searching for rainbows in the rain;
She almost lost the smile that she had once knew,
To dream is the only thing left for her to do.

Bound to reality, chained to the truth,
Slave to the sorrow that had stolen her youth;
Holding out for a hero, for her knight to break through;
To save her from the nightmares when he comes to the rescue.

The pain and the hurt, the rain and the drought,
And all the other problems she would not dare to count;
As they linger and bruise, as they torture and abuse,
She holds fast to her dreams, the last things she'd want to lose.

She holds the world upon a string, but more often, on her shoulders,
She longs for someone out there to save her from the boulders;
A strong, courageous goddess, she may appear to be,
But deep inside, she's human, just like you and me.

She laughs, she cries, and wipes tears from her eyes,
She may not look like so, but she's wearing a disguise;
She gets tired, she gets mad, but that's all she'd let you see,
When she's lonely and worried, she keeps it to herself secretly.

She is the best in what she does, but what she does best is unseen,
More often she explores places she had never been;
If the truth sets us free, how come it always sounds absurd?
But what else would you expect from a cruel, gruesome world?

But in her dreams, she is free, free to laugh and free to smile;
So let her be, let her sleep, even just for a little while.
Let her escape and break away, just so she would come to see,
That forty years of dreaming are forty years spent perfectly.

Amnesty in Amnesia?

2009-08-24T03:00:00.001-07:00

Wouldn't it be better for us to just forget everything?

Imagine: if you forget your problems, your sins, your enemies and your weaknesses, wouldn't it be easier to start again? After all, what are memories? Bondages.. Chains.. Memories are always represented by things that hold us back and keeps us from moving on.

But lately, while looking through some photographs of my past, I wondered, if God would erase my memories to give me peace, then how would I remember the blessings He has given me?

Some might say that in heaven, we would forget everything bad about ourselves, considering that heaven is a perfect place, without flaw or reason to cry. But I thought, possibly by God's provision, that what purpose would it serve to be here on an imperfect world if we were to forget about everything imperfect in the end? Wasn't it through losing that we found happiness in victory? Wasn't it in our shortcomings that we learned to make do and be confident with ourselves?

Besides, if God would let us forget our sins, why did He give us His forgiveness in the first place? How would we remember His mercy? If we forget our pain, how would we thank Him for His healing? If we forget our loss, how would we know that He provides? If we forget our vanities,
how would we realize that He is all we need? If we forget our wrongs, how would we say we received His grace?

Remember that God is the beginning and is the end. If God would disregard our past, then He would disregard Himself, for He is the past and the future.

God wouldn't want you to forget your past, because He planned it out very delicately, down to smallest detail. Your past is like God's sketch of the beautiful work of art that is you, and your perspective on your past is your own review of God's masterpiece.

Why would God want you to forget when He never does that? God never forgets what you did wrong, but still He doesn't hold it against you. Why? Because it's forgiven! Forgiving is not actually forgetting. If it is through your mistakes that you are made right, then why forget your mistakes?

Yesterdays weren't made to be an escape door from today, nor a chain that holds you back from tomorrow. I believe that God gave us yesterdays so that we would have reasons to thank Him today and reasons to trust Him tomorrow. God is, after all, good all the time, and He causes all things to work together for good, to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Bondages.. Chains.. Yes, they hold people back and keep them from moving on, but they also hold people together and keep them from falling apart. Memories can be make you or break you, how it treats you just depends on what matters more you, your tribulations or your salvation. The saying is true, do count your blessings. You can count the curses and the storms, but don't forget the blessings. Why? Because a treasure is a treasure only when you measure it with pleasure, and a downfall that you can't recall, changed nothing at all.

Now wouldn't it be better to just remember everything? Labo 'no?

Tumawa Ka

2009-08-21T01:32:00.001-07:00

Low tide nanaman sa'yong mga mata,
Kaya mababaw nang muli ang 'yong mga luha;
Hanggang kailan ka ba magdaramdam?
Tanging ikaw lang ang nakaaalam.

Mahina ang tingin sa'yo ng iba,
Dahil 'di mo mapigil ang iyong nadarama;
Matapos mong sumabog, hihingi ka ng pasensya,
Alipin ka ng lahat, pati na ng 'yong konsensya.

At tama nga sila dahil 'di naman totoo,
Mga pekeng ngiti lang naman ang binibigay mo;
'Wag ka nang magpanggap, 'wag ka nang magloko,
Wala na namang naniniwala sa'yo.

Sinumpa kang manahan sa anino ng iba,
Ikaw na sampid lang sa kanilang mga mata;
Wala ka naman talagang karapatang magdamdam,
Umiyak ka man maghapon, walang may pakialam.

Sa huli sa Pader ka na lang din tatakbo,
Sa unan at kumot na mga kaibigan mo.
Magtago't sumandal lang ang kaya mong gawin,
Wala namang makikinig anuman ang 'yong sasabihin.

Alam kong isisiksik mo pa rin ang sarili mo sa kanila,
'Ganun ka kahibang kasi ganun ka katanga;
Alam mong hindi mahalaga ang opinyon sa'yo ng iba,
Pero mapilit ka pa rin, dahil takot kang mag-isa.

Ito ang kadenang nakagapos sa 'yong mga kamay,
Ito ang taling nakapulupot sa'yong buhay,
Isa kang komedyanteng bawal magseryoso,
Tumawa ka na lang, baliw ka dapat, payaso..

Little Girl

2009-08-21T01:28:00.000-07:00

Little girl, you light my sky up so bright,
I've been dreaming of you everyday and every single night;
I gaze upon the sky and wish upon a faint starlight,
To always keep you safe, never keep you out of sight.

You're love's a drug that numbs my senses and soothes my pain,
When everything seems dry, you go bring in the rain;
In the chambers of my heart, you've left a little stain,
That can never be erased, and forever will remain.

You've always thought to yourself that you were so small,
You may think you have nothing, yet in this world you are my all;
I swear to always catch you and never let you fall,
And hear your fainting voice whenever you would call.

Little girl, i thank you, for you have set me free,
You've let me out of darkness, the jail inside of me;
I was so bound to the past that it was all that I could see,
But you have set me apart, so beautifully.

You'll never ever be too small to find,
For like a diamond in the gravel, you're one of a kind;
You're better than the past that I have left behind,
You're the candle that illuminates the graveyards in my mind.

As my life gets harder and seconds turn to days,
I find my narrow way only through your face;
In this cruel world, so full of hate and disgrace,
It's in your fragile hands, where I find my place.

Little girl, don't you grow old, don't you change a single thing,
Now that you have gone, you're the only song I sing;
Just hold on to your life, whatever pain she may bring,
I maybe nothing to you, but to me, you're everything.